Ethan, my friend Virginia drew you this side-eye.

Oh Captain, my Captain–

I was in a serious relationship with a man, let’s call him Ethan, a few years ago while we were both in college. We met through our ROTC program. He was a very good guy, and a great boyfriend. I broke up with him around our one-year anniversary, because we rarely had sex, and it was killing me. He’d told me he didn’t have much of a sex drive, and it had gotten to the point where, despite caring about him deeply, and being happy with our relationship in every other way, I was starting to think about cheating on him. I didn’t want to break his heart (or mine) by doing that, so I thought the best thing to do would be to separate.

We remained good friends, and after a short period of separation for healing purposes, we kept spending time together, talking, being there for one another, etc. Eventually he told me that he’d lied about his sex drive–he actually had a libido much like mine! Flabbergasted, I asked him why he’d convinced me otherwise. He’d done it, he said, because I’d been very much hurt by a friends-with-benefits relationship I’d had previous to our relationship–I cared deeply about FWB Dude, and he didn’t return the feeling. Ethan didn’t want me to think he was using me for sex.

Fast forward to last summer–Ethan and I had graduated from college, and he came to visit me while he was on leave. He was to be deploying to Afghanistan soon. We had a very nice visit. Then he asked if I might like to get back together. I wanted to say yes. But I was also very worried about him going to Afghanistan, and I wanted to be sure that I wasn’t screaming “yes! yes! yes!” inside my head because I was mistaking my anxiety for his safety for a desire for a relationship with him. So I told him I needed to think about it. We cuddled in my bed that night. He returned to his home base, and less than two weeks later, I log on to facebook to discover he’s “in a relationship” with a woman there!

I felt a flurry of emotions that could basically be summarized as “hurt.” After a period, I deleted him off my friends list because seeing his statuses about his progressing relationship with this lady hurt too much. Recently, I added him again–I still care about him and want to know how he’s doing, and I feel like I should set aside my feelings of betrayal. He’s engaged to her now, however, and that hurts, too. We haven’t spoken since this relationship became “facebook official.” I suspect he interpreted my “I need to think about it” for a “no” but I could be rationalizing, because his jumping into another relationship without knowing my answer is so unlike him. I really want to know for sure, but I feel like it’s far too late to talk to him. I should’ve sent him a “WTF” the day I saw his relationship status, but Flurry Of Emotions kept me from feeling able to confront it.

What should I do, Captain? Not knowing “WTF” is killing me, but I rather doubt it’s going to change anything. I have no ambitions to attend the wedding. I still care about him. I miss him in my life–I catch myself thinking “Ethan would love this book!” or “Ethan would know exactly what to do in this situation. I should ask him.” Then I remember. I feel like I should just let him go–but in my heart, I really don’t want to do that.

–Lost and Late

I’m sorry, Lost and Late.

I strongly dislike this Ethan guy as a partner for you.

How messed up to be do you have to be to lie about your sex drive to your partner? What was he doing that entire year you were together and he pretended to have no drive – masturbating furiously? Cheating on you? And how messed up do you have to be to then claim that lie was for your partner’s good, the way he claimed that it was all about your past relationship and him wanting to take care of you? You know how he could have taken WAY better care of you when you were together? Regular awesome fucking, that’s how.

I think he is your Darth Vader boyfriend; all wounded and complicated and sexy and trying to manipulate your emotions so that you will always see him in a positive light even when he does massively fucked up things.

And!!!! I think that his request to get back into a relationship with you on the eve of deployment was more about him than it was about you, and that you judged that one exactly correctly in asking for some time to think. While you took time to think, he went and got into a relationship with someone else, and that action is your answer. They are engaged. That is your answer.  If you were to write to him and put your feelings on the line, the best possible outcome is that you get all tangled up in their relationship drama.

I’ll be a little kinder to Ethan for a moment. In stressful times, people get nostalgic and reach out to people from their past. Being deployed is a big deal, right? It’s not completely irrational that he would want to go to love’s last known address and snuggle up there for a bit. Every now and then I get an email or Facebook message from an old…friend….with a very late-night timestamp and the words “I was just thinking about you” somewhere in the message. Oh, WERE you?  I guess it’s nice to be part of someone’s Greatest Hits reel?  I receive the messages with amusement and affection and I write back asking about jobs and kids, but I don’t assume that the messages are deeply meaningful.

Now it’s time to write him a long letter of everything you want to say and feel….and set that letter on fire.

Your feelings are real! Your history is real. The hologram of Ideal Ethan Who Has So Much Potential To Be A Great Boyfriend in your head that you want to recommend books to is real! I’m sure he is a very charismatic dude with very fine qualities, and your desire to have someone with those qualities in your life is real! Give yourself a lot of time and love and self-care to grieve that very real loss of someone you loved deeply from your life. Listen to this on repeat for a while:

And then set about forgetting (or at least distracting yourself in the hopes of forgetting). There’s a plan for that in this thread. Trust to time and to distance.

Love does not have to be this complicated. Your next love will be honest and straightforward with you. He’ll give you time when you need time and not go running into the arms of someone else. And he’ll want to bone you all the time.

Much love to you from someone who’s been there,

Captain Awkward

Step 1: Rent Jules & Jim, and do the opposite of everything in it.

Dear Captain Awkward:

There’s no way I can think to say this without sounding like a brat, but here goes. I’m sleeping with a guy that’s completely in love with me and supports me in everything I do. We get along great, the sex is great, he’s someone I could see myself raising a family with, and when we were dating and family came up, he wasn’t opposed to the idea. The thing is, I initially broke up with him because I lost interest in him as anything more than a friend, emotionally speaking. There’s also another guy who recently got out of the military, went to California to see about a job, and is coming home again. He ALSO loves me, the sex is ALSO great, and he pushes me to be better and do better. This boy hits ALL the right buttons for me, and we also dated before he joined the military. I also see a future with him, but he’s not interested in a family-related future. This is fine, because we’re twenty-freaking-two.

On the one hand, there’s a very likely long and peaceful future with the Family-man, except without the heart-induced jitters. With the Military-man, there’s the plus of MY emotions being there, but the minus of a mysterious future. Family-man seems like the logical choice (and I feel like a HUGE brat writing that). But then when I take our age into consideration, Military-man seems more logical. (Serously. 22? Do I NEED a guaranteed family in my future?) There’s also the fantasy-land solution that involves open relationships, but I hesitate to even ask for that because 1) those haven’t worked out for me in the past, and 2) Family-man wouldn’t like the idea but would go with it to make me happy.

Like I said, I feel like a brat lamenting over “Ohhh noooo which boy to I choooose.” I like the way things are right now with Family-man, and I don’t really want things to change, but inevitably when Military-man gets home I will want to be with him and things will change. I feel like I need to have this figured out before all shit hits the fan when he gets home. I thought maybe I need a kick in the head, or maybe an outside perspective. Whichever you can offer, I’d be grateful.

Thanks,
Brat

Thoughts:

1. You’re twenty-freaking-two, so you don’t have to decide everything about your life right now.

2. Here’s how I read this letter:  ”I’m with this really great guy who loves me and whom I *should* love back because on paper we are well-matched even though we broke up once for lack of groin on my part. I’m worried because pretty soon the man I really actually love is coming back to town, so can you tell me how to break off my current thing gracefully in a way that totally preserves my options with him if things with Returning Romantic Hero don’t work out?“

3. Honestly, if “both at once” isn’t an option for you, break it off cleanly with current guy. There are many scripts buried throughout this site. Maybe go with “I am so sorry, I think my feelings for you have changed and I need us to break things off.” Do not mention your current dilemma, because if you do you’re kind of being a jerk in asking him to solve it for you by being the one to break it off with you or valiantly proclaim that he’ll wait. If things don’t work out with Returning Hero and you find yourself missing Stalwart Companion, 6 months down the road you can say “Can we grab a drink?” and if he says yes you can have the “I’m so sorry, I feel like I made a big mistake back there, could we start again please?” conversation, but again. In the meantime, by making a clean break of it. Don’t try to be friends. Set him free and give him the chance to meet someone else.

4. Being loved is not enough. You know it. I know it. Your heart and your vagina are speaking loud and clear in your letter, and they are speaking as one: Have a good time with Returning Hero when he gets back. Speak up about your feelings and desires. See what happens. Either things will totally click and work out or they won’t. If they do? Awesome. If they don’t? You’ll know for sure that he’s not right for you, and as you move on he won’t be hanging out at the edges of your life as the sexy mysterious might-have-been guy.

5. Maybe it’s just the glow of new love in my own life making me smug and satisfied, but I’m pretty sure that if neither of those situations works out, a fine lady like yourself will surely meet more hot, interesting, kind dudes who are into you. One of those will surely sex you up right, support your dreams, call you on your bullshit when necessary, and share your plans for the future. Life is risk, so risk going after the person you really want, and risk spending some time alone if things don’t work out.

Do not date this man, even if he offers you your favorite beer. Source: Hungry in Houston.

Hi Captain,

Yours, 

Dear Infatuated:

First, read this.

Next, read this.

Third, let me answer your question here: “I know he treats me badly, but he has some autism-spectrum social problems and I’m not sure how much of it is just that.”

That sentence right there is why I discourage internet diagnoses. Diagnosis: May be somewhere on the autism spectrum. Behavior: Treats you like crap. You can’t fix or treat the diagnosis, so treat the behavior and perform a “Guy Who Treats You Like Crap”-ectomy. Seek out things you love doing and people who make you feel awesome and surround yourself with goodness while you recover from your Dark Side addiction.

Or, keep chasing/fucking him and feeling miserable until you are ready to stop. But know that this one doesn’t get better. It doesn’t turn into love. He doesn’t wake up and realize what a mistake he’s made. It’s just you, chasing him down, never getting his full attention or a kind word or even reliably good sex from someone who cares about you the way you care about him.

I’m taking your word for his badness. It seems that you were the one who wanted to keep things casual and got mad when he kept them casual…REAL casual. People who like you will act like they like you. He’s not acting like he likes you. Therefore, he doesn’t like you all that much. But maybe he’s not a jerk….maybe he just took you at your word and now that he doesn’t feel the same way, he’s keeping his distance. Real asshole behavior would be him reaching out from time to time just to keep you hooked so he could get laid whenever he wanted to and then doing a disappearing act. He skipped straight to “disappear.”

I don’t know what you thought I would tell you. There is no magic script for reforming bad boyfriends into good boyfriends or even good fuckbuddies. They pretty much keep sucking until you get rid of them and they go on to suck all the air out of someone else’s room.

I know you feel crazy and addicted right now, but you already took a great step by deleting his number. Time WILL heal the rest, if you stop exposing yourself to him and giving him the ability to reject and hurt you. I swear it gets better and in your future there is a someone who will treat you like you deserve to be treated.

“Why didn’t you ever send any flowers?” “You scared the shit out of me.”

Dear Captain Awkward,

I hope you and your army of awesome readers can help me! I’m 28 and I find myself in the awkward position of getting divorced and simultaneously losing my best friend. Long story short, I was also dating my best friend and we broke up so she can go back to her Darth Vader Husband. I’m really hurting, but I know that I created a lot of my hurt by my own choices because I was blinded by happy pants-feelings and my own need to fix/nuture the people in my life.

What I need help with is this: I have a long history of picking people in my life who need fixing. Specifically, I meet and quickly become close friends with beautiful, intelligent, articulate women who either have relationships with Darth Vaders or end up having relationships with Darth Vaders. And I’m talking baby daddy doesn’t have a job and gives you a curfew and tells you how to spend your money (uses your paycheck to buy pot, etc) and maybe hits you Darth Vaders. I then keep my mouth shut for months (years) attempting to keep the peace because I care for these women a great deal and value their friendship. Eventually though, I end up telling them how I feel about their partners because I get so frustrated with the situation. Then, my friend inevitably leaves me because her relationship with her Darth Vader is more important to her.

Okay, so I probably should keep my opinions about other peoples’ relationships to myself, and if I’m not going to I should use my words instead of building it all up. But this is my question, how do I find people who don’t have exceptionally dysfunctional relationships? Is that even possible? Because while I’m rebuilding my life (I tend to have only a few close friends and my friend tally is very low right now), I’m hoping to invest in some relationships that have staying power. I don’t want to lose a friend in 3 or 5 years because she likes to date assholes. And even more importantly than that, how do I stop picking people who need fixing? Are there signs? Like big neon flashing ones that say “broken and in need of a codependent relationship” so that I can avoid or keep at arms length?

I’ve lost two friends to Darth Vaders in the past year, and I don’t know how many more losses of friends I can take. And when I start dating again, I’d really like to have a better way to determine if the person I’m dating is capable of being my partner not my project. Also, is it me? Am I just that fucked up and I don’t even know it? Are there really that many Darth Vaders in the world?

Thanks,

Keeping company with Darth Vader’s wife

Dear Keeping Company:

First, OMG, someone summed up your question in a single image. I won’t display it in the post because all rights are reserved. Are you ready? I know, right? I also love this one.

Second, I think it is both helpful and unhelpful to look at your past friends/lovers as part of a pattern.

It’s unhelpful because they’re not dating horrible people AT YOU. They’re all separate people who are doing it for their own reasons, and if you read the original Darth Vader Boyfriend post, they’re getting something out of it that you can’t see. You can’t really prevent someone from making a terrible decision. What you can do is honestly voice your concerns, listen with as open a mind as you can manage, and when you can’t listen to it anymore, say “I’m sorry, I want to be here for you, but I can’t listen to you talk about Darth anymore. Consider talking to a trained therapist who can really help you work through everything. Do you need help finding someone and placing the initial call?“

“My fingernails shine like justice.”

It’s tough to think about the possibility of leaving a friend hanging and refusing your support, but you get to draw boundaries about how much of their problems you will take on as your own.

A few years ago I read Melissa Banks’s The Wonder Spot, which is about growing up affluent and kind of directionless and feeling lost (kind of like a prequel to Lena Dunham’s work), and there is a section that struck me like lightning. Our heroine is taking an art class, and she meets a wolfishly sexy dude who asks her out, and then stands her up for their first date. He circles back later to apologize and reschedule, and she is sorely tempted, but she realizes that she can already see the entire pattern of their relationship unfolding:  he will be unreliable and shitty, and then apologize and charm his way back in. She realizes that just because someone likes her and wants to sleep with her doesn’t mean that she has to like them back. She can just choose not to sign up for the whole thing.

That passage has helped me so many times? When I meet someone who is sexy and interesting but not all there somehow, someone who seems to be using a first date as a therapy session, someone who casually admits to many, many problems in a self-deprecating “you probably won’t like me once I tell you this” way that’s designed to make me reassure them that no, it’s okay that they are still sharing a house with their ex-wife, I don’t mind!, someone who, let’s face it, would have been catnip to me in my 20s for being all “complicated” and “deep”, and even though he totally wants to put his sexy-Darth-Vadery vibes all up in me I decide nope, I don’t have to sign up for this. I smile and say “Thanks for a nice evening!”, put some money on the table and walk myself to the train.

It also reminds me of a great passage in Tana French’s In The Woods when our emotionally stunted, would-probably-be-played-by-Clive-Owen-in-a-movie detective gets dumped after a few dates with a colleague. I’m paraphrasing the exact quote because Sweet Machine has my copy, but when she dumps him she says:

“There’s a fine line between ‘interesting’ and ‘really fucked up.’ You should date younger women; sometimes they can’t tell.”

So how do you figure out where that line is? Some of it comes with age and experience, and the fact that you’re asking this question is a good sign that you will be more able to tell going forward. You can break patterns! I had one where I kept dating men who lived in New York when I did not live in New York, and then I moved to New York for a short spell and spent all my time on the phone with someone in Chicago = NOT GOOD. There was something in there about being unsettled where I was. There was something in there about wanting a lot of time to myself and not feeling ready to have someone in my life all the time, and since I also liked fixer-uppers that was probably a self-protective instinct. There was something there about liking fantasy more than a real day-to-day, and then I grew up and met better people and realized that the day-to-day is where it’s at.

Maybe the commenters can help generate a list of signs of a fixer-upper that you can look out for early in your relationships. A substance abuse problem is one! As is always being a few $ short when it’s time to pay the check, or being chronically late, or oversharing really soon after you meet them. Constant bitching and complaining is a sign. Having no other friends but you is one I’d watch out for. One “possible sign” alone might not sink a relationship, but a combination of them should tell you that there are rough seas ahead. Maybe there’s some good stuff here.

Maybe you can use this classic Tomato Nation post about how to behave like an adult as a rough guideline. It’s certainly not an absolute standard I hold other people to (and I flinched when I re-read it recently and saw some areas that I could definitely raise my game), but there is a lot in there about being reliable and taking care of yourself and not expecting others to pick up your slack. I love this, especially:

“19. Take care of yourself. If you are sick, visit a doctor. If you are sad, visit a shrink or talk to a friend. If you are unhappy in love, break up. If you are fed up with how you look, buy a new shirt or stop eating cheese. If you have a problem, try to fix it. Many problems are knotty and need a lot of talking through, or time to resolve, but after a few months of all complaining and no fixing, those around you will begin to wonder if you don’t enjoy the problems for the attention they bring you. Venting is fine; inertia coupled with pouting is not. Bored? Read a magazine. Mad at someone? Say so — to them. Change is hard; that’s too bad. Effort counts. Make one. Your mommy’s shift is over.”

You don’t need your friends to be perfect (no one is perfect), but when you’re making friends look for signs that they know how to take care of themselves and put their best foot forward in their relationships.

So, let’s look at the pattern you have of choosing people who need to be saved or fixed. Maybe that is something you should chew over at length with a trained professional (and if you’re in the middle of both a divorce and a sad breakup, therapy is a good call). I can tell you, there are plenty of people who are not entangled with Darth Vaders out there, and your perception has been radically skewed by recent experiences.

What I can also tell you is that we don’t stay in relationships, even really dysfunctional relationships, if we aren’t getting *something* out of them. So it’s time to examine what you get out of fixing people. I suspect that at least some of it has to do with a feeling of control, competence, and superiority. It feels good to be the smart one and to feel like you’re in a position to help people (o hai, my blog!). It can feel good to be needed. There are little jolts of attention and drama that keep life interesting. And it might do you good to examine to what extent you’re bringing a sense of entitlement to these friendships with women. “I’ll listen to you endlessly and save the day, and in exchange you owe me making better decisions and leaving that asshole (for me).” You’re angry at her/them for not picking you after all of that work you put in, and the terrible things that are happening to them feel like terrible things they are DOING to you. That’s also a bit skewed.

Recently on Mad Men, Don Draper and Joan Holloway Harris hung out in a bar and the subject of why they never got together came up. Don admits that it’s because she scared the shit out of him, which makes total sense. Joan is so polished and competent and awesome at work. She’s pretty close to Don in age. She doesn’t look up to men, not one bit, and if she pampers and flatters them sometimes everyone knows it’s part of a game where she holds the upper hand. Both of Don’s wives have been substantially younger than he is, and he loves the role of benefactor/protector/mentor (even though when he steps out on them, he goes for badasses). The most recent episode is all about wanting to “control” women, and some of that manifests in wanting to save or rescue them. (Spoilers abound at those links, FYI. But Amanda is doing some of the best recapping of the show. See also Tom & Lorenzo’s Mad Style posts for amazing criticism about costume & character. Sorry about your plans for the rest of the day!)

I can’t untangle all of this stuff for you in one blog post. This is deep-seated stuff. But to leave you with one practical tip, maybe the next time you start hanging out with someone you like and they launch into a sad terrible story about their problems, you can say “Whoa, that sounds really terrible. You should probably dump that asshole.” And if they continue, expecting you to listen to the whole sad story, say “Sorry to interrupt you, but have you tried talking to a therapist about it? Because that’s definitely above my pay grade.” And if they still continue? Put some money on the bar and get yourself home. And if the friendship does not grow closer? That’s a bullet you dodged, right there.

A strong argument for the second-time-around.

Dear Captain Awkward:

I’m caught in my own head and could use a guide to get out of it. There’s a gentleman who’s recently come back into my life. We first connected two years ago when he was separated from his (second) wife and while we talked all of the time and hung out a bit nothing ever came of it datewise. He faded out on me and it was a bit painful, last I had heard he had gotten back together with his wife to see if things could work.

They obviously could not. He’s now living on his own (well, with his kids) and found me on a dating site. He apologized for disappearing (understood, lots of shit going on, obviously! Had I known, I wouldn’t have gotten at all involved/interested the first time around) and I generally feel like people deserve a second chance. We’ve started talking again and hanging out as friends but the potential for more is there. We’re both still insanely attracted to one another and get along like gangbusters.

We’ve tried talking about where things are headed and how we should approach whatever kind of relationship (friends? more?) is developing, but I think we both make it more confusing when we try to use our words. And not to sound condescending but I’m not sure that HE knows what he wants/needs at this point. He’s only been separated about 4 months so far and living on his own for the first time in a long time. He wants to just take things as they come and go with the flow. My heart agrees but I’m afraid I’m (we’re) going to be too intense too soon after meeting up again and clicking so well..and then he’ll freak out a little while down the road. I like this guy too much for him to be a booty call or friends with benefits, I can do just friends but then both of us need to turn the flirting and romantic overtones WAY down, stat. I’m not sure how to reconcile what he might need with what I want or how to approach the whole damn thing. I also don’t know what words to use or how to use them when we end up just talking in circles and end up back at ‘I like you, you like me, let’s see what happens’.

Robert’s Rules of Pants: Your pants want you to have sex and then eat delicious breakfast.

I’m worried it’s too soon for a full blown dating situation (which is ideally where I’d like to see this go, in time), that he might need to go out and date oodles of people or maybe just be on his own and be cool with that before I get involved with him. When I’ve suggested it he says that I make it hard to want to go out and meet/date other people. So do I absent myself from his life for a certain period of time? Then again, you’d think that at 40some years old he would know if he ought to get involved with someone…but his track record says otherwise…but every situation is different. Right? Aaaarg!

On the other hand, I’m 30+ years old and also wonder if I should be looking for a more ‘suitable’ partner even though I really like everything I’m getting to know about him. Is liking someone for personality and pantfeelings enough? I know we all have baggage but is this (two kids under 13, two ex-wives, financial um pinchy-ness and general lack of free time due to aforementioned kids and ex-wives) biting off more than I can chew? Maybe I’m just overthinking all of this and need to follow my heart and tell my stupid brain to shut up and enjoy it for what it’s worth and deal with any fall out and heartache that may occur or do I let logic lead the day and cut my loses before I know what they might be? Or is there some third path I’m not seeing? Any insight from you or the wonderful commentors would be appreciated. Thanks!

- Stupid Brain

Dear Stupid Brain:

Looking around at my extended friend-family, I can tell you that sometimes it’s the second or the third marriage/very serious relationship that’s the charm. Great love stories can start when shit is all complicated and uncertain, and divorced people deserve/need/can be awesome at giving love, too.

I think this is a question about how to figure out when your anxiety is protecting you from potential sadtimes and when your anxiety is just anxiety that’s getting in your own way.

Because if you were having fun and feeling 100% awesome and hopeful about this thing, you wouldn’t be writing to me right now. You’d be too busy having sex with your new hot boyfriend. And your brain would deal with the questions you have about the future – How is this all going to work out? Am I going to have to become someone’s stepmother? - by seconding the motion made by your pants. Your pants move that you stop thinking about this, have sex again, and eat French toast. Delicious, delicious after-sex French toast with berries, or maybe an omelet. Maybe the anxiety is just anxiety, in which case: Your breakfast awaits you.

They can get to know each other after the honeymoon, right?

But let’s say there’s a really good reason you don’t trust yourself or your future around this guy. His stats show that he’s really good at getting women to marry him and let him put his babies in there. Stated in the most positive light, he’s a romantic and an optimist and those people are charismatic and fun, fun, fun to be around and you are not stupid for wanting to be a romantic and an optimist, too. I understand why you are fascinated and also thinking “Hey, those other women felt exactly like I do right now, and it didn’t work out for them. So what’s going to be different this time?“

His stats are what they are and they don’t automatically make him unsuitable as a partner, but it’s worth poking about in his history a bit. Does he have self-awareness about why his relationships ended and his part in the whole thing, or is it all the other person’s fault? Does he take on too much guilt about it, presenting himself as this tragically fucked up person who doesn’t deserve you and do all these

Does this smell like a Darth Vader situation?

conversations end with you comforting him about how no, really, he’s awesome? If so, beware: HERE BE DARTH VADER. He will suck the life out of you and manipulate you into comforting him the entire time he does it.

How did he treat his exes on his way out of the marriages? Were there consistent dealbreakers or sticky wickets between both that you can also see being sticky wickets for you? Do you feel like he’s using you as a therapist and/or soft landing so he doesn’t have to deal with being alone and figuring out his shit? It’s an uncharitable thought, but I’ve done enough dating-in-my-30s to have seen it more than once: Some people are crap at being alone and when one relationship ends they look immediately for another one with a benevolent girlfriend-mommy who will pet their hair and tell them they are smart and pretty.

Maybe the most helpful thing you can do for yourself is to forget the idea of “suitable” or what “should” happen or the idea that you, by withholding your fine booty for some necessary period of mourning and self-discovery, can magically control whether he can be a good partner for you down the road. Because you’re already the expert here. You know the guy. You know his history. You know (or are in the process of figuring out) your own needs and wants. More importantly, you know your own history WITH HIM.

How did he treat you when he disappeared and left you feeling crappy before? I know you didn’t actually date, but what expectations & hopes did he put out there before he disappeared? What’s different now?

You worry (with reason) that he’ll be stretched emotionally, temporally, and financially. Let’s flip that around for a second and make it about your needs and whether he can meet them. Will he be there for you in the way you need a partner to be there for you, or will you always come in second to his responsibilities? When you date someone who has kids, you sign up knowingly and willingly for coming in second to those kids. Is that going to be enough for you? Is there something concrete he could do balance things and to make sure you are getting the time and attention that you need?

Now for the very concrete advice part:

First, you’re absolutely right. You can’t be “just” friends. You’re not friends now.  Your pants are going to literally catch on fire any second. So either jump into the big-time sexy serious intense relationship you’re right on the edge of having and accept the risks and the consequences, or say a firm and total goodbye.

Second, don’t make it about whether he’s ready. It’s a canard. It’s patronizing. And you can’t control that for another person. The question is: Are YOU ready? Are you excited? Do you think you’re going to be happier with him than you were without him?

Pro: Raging ladyboner Con: Can’t stop making “pro” and “con” lists about him.

Third, should you need it, this is what a firm and total goodbye looks like: “I have too many anxieties about the future to want to date you right now, and too many pantsfeelings to be able to sustain the lie that we’re just friends. I’m tired of going around and around about this question, so I’ve decided that it’s better for me if we don’t talk anymore. I wish you the best.” And then you delete his number from your phone and purge your e-life of his flirty e-messages and you do not find reasons to run into him. You go out and you meet other people and do your own thing.

FYI, a Darth Vader will hear that speech and he will take it as a sign to try to put his penis in you now, quickly, before you get away. He will want to hug you “one last time” and that hug will last a little too long and it will get all handsy in there and it will feel really, really good. And the next day you might have delicious breakfast, but you might also have an expensive visit to the pharmacy to purchase Plan B and the 150th long circular talk about how you really shouldn’t do this even though you both really want to

Fourth, I don’t want to go all The Rules on you, because, barf, but I want you to watch yourself for signs of becoming the World’s Most Accommodating Girlfriend Who Is Always Cool With Everything Because She Understands How Busy You Are, Dear. Keep your own needs in sight, ok? Put yourself out there, but watch for reciprocity. Let him do his share of planning the time you spend together and looking for ways to delight you and improve your life. The sad truth that we’ve discussed here before is that you can adore and have massive pantsfeelings and chemistry with someone who isn’t a good partner for you. It can also be easy to get sucked into the idea of The Future, Where Everything Will Be a Little Bit Better Than It Is Now, If You Just Believe Hard Enough. Love is risk. Love is optimism and hoping that you’ll beat the odds. But brand new love should be awesome all the time Right Fucking Now.

Right Fucking Now, I’m all the way in love. And one way I know that (as your fellow anxiety-monkey) is that my biggest anxiety these whole past few months has been “This is so fucking great. Is it TOO good? Should I be having more anxiety about it?” And the answer every time has been um, no, because it’s GREAT and he is GREAT, idiot. I didn’t make pro and con lists* about whether I should date him or love him or whether it was the right time or check in with my friends to see if it was a good idea…I mostly checked in with my friends to say “GREAT DUDE IS GREAT, YOU GUYS, LET ME TELL YOU MORE STORIES ABOUT THAT.” I didn’t worry about how it will all work out (except to occasionally worry that I wasn’t worried enough), and something magic happened to my jerkbrain: It shut the fuck up for a while and decided to let me be happy.

So the last thing I’ll say, as your adopted love-guide, is to suggest if you decide to go for this thing is to have all the sex, eat all the breakfast, and to let yourself enjoy it fully. But also, since you are not quite trusting yourself or him, put a date a few months out on your calendar where you sit down with a journal and write truthfully about how things are going. If that journal entry  looks AT ALL like a list of pros and cons about whether you should be dating him at all, if you find the worries and circular reasoning that you’re having now at all reflected there, if there are some consistent ways that your needs aren’t being met, then see it for what it is: You risked, you tried, and now you have some more information about whether this will make you happy in the long run. That’s a smart as you can be about things, I think, and still maybe let yourself maybe be happy.

*Blanket Statement: If you find yourself making “pro” and “con” lists in your diary about whether you should be or get involved with someone, you already have your answer** about how this is going to work out.

**Hint: The answer is CON.

This perfect image is from a book by a man who decided to repurpose his ex-wife’s wedding dress in 101 ways. Click the photo to learn more about anger + recycling.

Ahoy, Team Awkward,

I have found myself in a weird Darth Vader situation, and I’m not sure how to handle it while still maintaining my own principles and values. I’m fully prepared for, “Just stay out of it,” but in the hopes that there’s different or more comprehensive advice, I figured I’d ask.

My partner and I are in our late twenties, and are excited about moving in together soon. He is very close with his family, both immediate (parents and two brothers) and extended, and he spends a lot of time with them, at least compared to what I consider normal. It doesn’t bother me, and I’ve really enjoyed spending lots of time with his family, getting to know them. We’re crazy about each other, and see this as the forever-relationship, and so becoming part of each other’s families is important to us.

One of his brothers, however, is engaged to Darth Vader.

Her Dark Side of the Force behaviors that are most obvious are that she is very controlling, she isolates him from his family, and she verbally berates him–even in public. To elaborate:
- She often speaks for him when people talk to him, and will even “correct” him (e.g. “No, he won’t have any dessert,” even if he originally said he wanted it)
- She likes doing everything together, but doesn’t like spending as much time with his family (understandable, since they don’t like her), and so he won’t come to family gatherings very often
- She has put him down in front of friends and family for very unimportant things, such as his driving abilities. Sometimes, she yells at him–again, in front of people. It’s not affectionate or joke-y in any way

The family has disliked her for a long time, and I think they were hoping that the brother would end the relationship before it got to this point. I know that the brother has some idea of the dislike; he does not confide in his brothers or parents about his relationship. The family is already too afraid of losing him to voice any of their concerns.

While I do think that much of the family’s dislike of her isn’t entirely fair, some of her behavior is really obvious and unacceptable to me (like when she berates him in front of people). As their wedding approaches, her criticisms and yelling have increased dramatically.

The entire family is about to take a very long vacation together, right before the wedding. They make this trip every year, but this is my first year, as well as Vader’s. Everyone is very concerned that her behavior is going to be even worse on the trip, since she already dislikes spending so much time with the family, and because the wedding will be right around the corner.

I’ve spent a lot of time working in sexual violence prevention/education, and have supported a lot of friends during and after abusive relationships. While I’m not ready to label the whole relationship capital-A Abusive, the behaviors above are huge abuse red flags to me, and at the very least, the berating is verbal abuse. It is very difficult for me to watch someone be yelled at by someone who is supposed to care about them, and I am very concerned that 1) I will witness verbal abuse on this family trip, and that 2) I will shit-stir by stepping in.

My partner has warned me that I shouldn’t step in if this does happen because it’s not my place. However, I’m pretty sure that no one else will step in. I think it’s important, in the event that verbal abuse occurs in front of me, to show both my hopefully-future brother-in-law and his fiancee from the Dark Side that this behavior isn’t okay.

Should I bite my tongue? Is there a way that I could address the verbal abuse without being too much of a shit-stirrer who should mind her own beeswax?

- Nosy Newcomer

PS: I’m not entirely happy with how his family treats Darth Vader. They don’t like her, and they haven’t hidden that fact from me, although in the beginning, I think they did try to hide how much they disliked her. I still don’t think that explains or excuses all of her behavior, but I do think that if they were kinder to her, it might relieve some of the stress of the brother, who probably feels like he constantly has to choose between his family and his fiance.

Dear Newcomer,

Thanks for so neatly encapsulating the way that abuse ripples out and poisons everything around the abusive situation, and the way it puts bystanders in a double-bind. If you don’t say something, are you enabling this stuff? If you do say something, are you potentially making it worse or giving the abuser more of a reason to isolate the victim? And it doesn’t have to be hitting to hurt – watching someone get constantly berated and belittled makes a little piece of your soul break off and die just the same.

There’s no way this is easy, and there’s no one script that applies to everything, but I think the commenters are very smart about this stuff and that maybe together we can find a structure that will help you navigate some of this for yourself. Here are some possible guiding principles.

1. Not everyone wants to spend all their free time with their family.

That may be because of Darth, or that may be the brother’s preference that gets blamed on Darth. There’s no way you can know, you admitted that this family spends a great deal of time together and has a culture of “we do everything together,” and the brother might be trying to separate from that. I suggest that you treat that as a total non-issue. It’s awesome that you love them and love hanging out with them, but there may be a point down the road where you also feel the pressure to spend time with his family that you’d rather spend alone or with friends (or alone with your partner) so tread very carefully here. Answer family comments about this topic with a very neutral “Huh” or “wow” or “you don’t say” and don’t get involved, and resist the urge to preen and act like the “good” partner.

2. Your actions and words can’t “make” abusers do anything they weren’t going to get around to anyway.

If you say something about what’s going on, and Darth takes that as an excuse to further isolate the brother (or the brother takes it upon himself to separate himself further), they didn’t do it because of you. They’re playing out a very old story and would have gotten to this stage anyway. If not you, then someone else, something else. An abusive person will take any excuse to storm out in a huff and feel aggrieved. It’s very convenient for the abuser if you take on this guilt for what might happen if you speak up…because you might not speak up.

3. Speaking up might not do anything to help the brother, but it will almost definitely help you. 

“Don’t get involved” is a fallacy. You’re already involved, because you’re a witness. If you all make a silent agreement to not get involved, you’re helping the family build this house from Cliff Pervocracy’s awesome comment the other day:

Have you ever been in a house that had a glaring flaw, something that was massively against code and unsafe and inconvenient, but everyone in the house was used to working around it?

“Oh yeah, there’s a step missing there on the unlit staircase with no railings. But it’s okay because we all just remember to jump over it.”

Some people are like that missing step. Everyone around them gets used to working around their, er, special requirements, and because these absurd half-solutions do work, everyone feels like the problem is solved. But it’s obvious to an outside observer that people are massively inconveniencing themselves just so Mr. or Ms. Missing Step won’t have to behave like a reasonable adult.

Abusive people (and predators) operate in environments where they feel comfortable that they won’t get called out on what they are doing (or that if they do, they’ll use it to tell everyone to “lighten up” or stage a massive “I’m the real victim here” moment and storm out). If you all keep silent and let the person get away with verbally abusing someone, you’re helping create that environment. It just gets more and more awkward and everyone stops making eye contact and hopes that it will magically get better.

I don’t think you should go sit the brother down and have a big talk with him about his choices, but in the moment, you can change the scripts a bit.

You: “Do you want dessert?“

Brother: “Yes,”

Darth: “No, he doesn’t.“

You: A) Totally ignore her, hand him some dessert. B) Calmly say “I definitely heard the man say he wants dessert. Howabout you, do you want dessert?“

In other words, don’t let the whole thing where she speaks for him stand. You may see him jump in to mollify her – “No, I don’t want it after all!”  Then you can say “Sure, okay, but I have to say the whole thing where you answer for each other creeps me out. You guys know that whole ‘two hearts becoming one’ thing is a metaphor, right?“

If she puts him down in front of you, say “Wow” as meanly as you can manage. Treat it like she took a giant shit on the dinner table and you’re embarrassed for her.

In a yelling/berating moment, work up your courage, and say: “Jeez, whatever happened, it’s really uncomfortable to listen to you yelling at him like that. Can’t you guys talk about it later?“

I don’t know that it will work to say something like that. It has the advantage of being totally true and calling out the behavior in the moment and making it about your discomfort rather the truth of whatever his supposed transgression was. Darth may decide to turn the yelling on you, which may not feel like a win, but it is one. “(Brother) may like it when you yell at him, but I definitely do not.” Get up, walk away. What she does after that (to brother or anyone else) is not your fault. It also neatly side-steps your partner’s admonition to “not get involved.” You’re not trying to break them up, you’re not leading an intervention on behalf of the family, but you are enforcing your own boundaries about how people get to treat you and behave around you.

People who don’t fight fair and who know they are somewhat in the wrong will take any criticism of their behavior as a referendum on their entire personality, so “It’s your turn to do the dishes” becomes “YOU’VE NEVER LIKED ME, HAVE YOU?” pretty quick. There’s no good way to win at that point – if you admit you don’t like them, they get to feel aggrieved, if you comfort them and reassure them that you like them just fine, they get the attention jolt they wanted (and you’ll probably end up doing the dishes, or waiting a long time to pick a fight about it again). Fights with this kind of person end with you apologizing to them for getting mad at them about their shitty behavior. So watch out for this in your dynamic with her. Do not admit you don’t like her or make it about that, just keep focusing on the behavior. “It’s not about that, it’s just so uncomfortable when you talk to people that way.”

4. Take the long view. 

You definitely don’t have to become friends with this woman (and definitely don’t trust her with any confidences), but as a newcomer/outsider to the family the two of you have some stuff in common. Right now you’re playing the role of “good partner” and she’s “bad, mean partner” but you say the family didn’t like her from the start and some of her behavior might be a reaction to that. Take note of that — What would happen if you stepped out of line (didn’t want to come on a family vacation, had another commitment somewhere else that meant your partner had to stay away, too)?  Is the rest of the family using her example to police you into being what they think a good partner is (always around)? If so, it’s probably unintentional, but it’s worth thinking about – by excluding her and talking about it in front of you they are getting you involved and then telling you not to get involved. Does that make you feel weird? Do you really want to be a party to the conversations about her and how she sucks and how you’re all dreading this upcoming vacation?

For example, my mom still sometimes brings up her disappointment that my brother didn’t get married in a Catholic ceremony and opted instead for his wife’s (Baptist? Some kind of Protestant-but-still-Christian?) church. The dude is very happily married, they LOVE his wife and she loves them, it was more than five years ago, there was plenty of Jesus in it, who cares? She doesn’t bring it up with him, but she does bring it up with me. Message, possibly unintentional, but clear nonetheless: Don’t be like your brother, get married in a Catholic church. Private answer: When the hell I don’t believe in freezes over. Out loud answer: ”Well, it was a beautiful wedding and they seem so happy. I love her, don’t you?” + Change of subject. Message: Received and studiously ignored. 

Anyway, you don’t have to make this lady your sworn enemy, and you don’t have to be the savior in this situation. She’s probably going to be around for a long while and you don’t have to fight every battle even if you do start taking on the behaviors like yelling at the brother & answering for him. You don’t have the same stake as the rest of the family in the “What if we drive brother away forever?” question, so if she tries to be nice and makes an effort? Reward her with positive attention and make an effort to be nice back. If she does something uncool in front of you? Say “Whoa, that’s uncool” and then move on. Treat each time you see her like a blank slate, stay focused on specific behaviors, and disengage as much as possible from family bitch sessions about her.

When we don’t like someone we can start to see all of their behaviors through the lens of how much we don’t like them, and complaining about them just feeds itself, especially if we haven’t yet summoned up the courage to say something directly to them. That can be a really sucky dynamic to be a part of, so I suggest that if the family talks negatively about Darth in front of you, just say “Yes, I agree, I don’t like it when she does (x behavior), so why not just ask her to stop it? That’s what I did last time and it went ok” and then find a way to leave the conversation as quickly and gracefully as possible. That upcoming trip doesn’t have to be all about her.

Sometimes we make our own Darth Vader Boyfriends out of wishful thinking and a refusal to let go.

Dear Captain Awkward,

About six weeks ago, the guy I was dating (let’s call him StarTrekFan, our mutual love for Star Trek and other geekery brought us together), broke things off very suddenly. I asked him to give us another chance and he agreed. We had talked about what issues had arisen and wanted to work on them.

However, life got a bit shit in those six weeks. He had to spend a lot of time in SecondaryWorkTown as well as in HomeTown with his family because of a death in the family and he had a mega-stressful time at work due to yearly evaluations. This meant we saw each other maybe once a week for a couple of hours, mostly in public spaces. He’d asked me for some space over that time and to take things slowly so I tried not to bother him too much over that time apart from when we saw each other. I have my own issues with death due to personal family related reasons so I probably wasn’t supportive enough with that but with everything else, I tried to be as supportive as possible without being too intrusive.

After the agreed upon period of time ended in which he’d asked for space, I thought it was finally time to work on previously discussed issues, together. However, he got back and the next day (after a nice couple of hours together the day he got back) he just broke up with me again. That was about a week ago.

We talked things through and the reasons he has for breaking things off keep jumping between having lost the “spark” and not having a deep enough “connection”/not being “close” enough. We’d been dating for about three or four month when he first broke up, not necessarily the time period in which to forge a very deep connection, especially for two very introverted people. He maintains that he really enjoys my company, that he’s still attracted to me and that we have a lot in common and want the same things from a relationship. I do not doubt his honesty.

I know that I don’t have a “right” to the chance I thought we would get and that sometimes feelings just fade out. But I don’t want to let him go completely and I think the circumstances in the past few weeks are a large factor in what happened between us. I understand that things between us can’t just resume. However, I would like to continue to be friends and work on being closer friends. I would quite like to ask him to do that and would like him to keep an open mind in case the “spark” does come back. If it doesn’t, we’ll be better friends for it, if it does, that would be great.

My question is, is that a reasonable thing to ask for? And how can I ask for that? I don’t want to sound desperate or be annoying and things are made more difficult by the fact that he will be in SecondaryWorkTown for the next two or three months (which had always been a likely possibility for this summer).

Thanks for any advice,
More-of-a-StarWarsFan

Dear Star Wars Fan:

I know my answer will not be what you want to hear, because The Force (attraction + optimism + wishful thinking) is strong with this one.

But I’m pretty positive that when someone breaks up with you twice in two months you should believe him that broken up is where he wants to be. The stuff he said about “spark” and “connection” was a nice way of saying “I like you, but not enough.” Yes, there are tons of mitigating circumstances and outside stressors. He doesn’t want to be in a relationship. There’s nothing you can do to be “enough” or solve the question of “enough,” because it’s his subjective choice.

That suuuuuuuucks. I’m so sorry.

I honestly think the best thing you can do for yourself right now is to perform some kind of ceremony to mark the end of this thing and create closure for yourself. It should be some combination of saying “Self, this is over” + deleting his number from your phone + filtering his email + unfollowing/filtering on social media + never initiating contact with him again (be affable but brief if he gets in touch) + being really nice to yourself.

Staying “friends” with a confusing dude you have feelings for is a trap you make for yourself.

I know that seems really harsh, when you like him and he (basically) likes you and maybe you could be friends. But you’re not friends. You’re into him. He’s still starring in all of your kissing fantasies. Your brain (and groin) is constantly thinking of ways that it could still all work out. That’s a sad, weird, awkward place to start a friendship. So I want you to consider changing this from a story about the guy who was so perfect except for That One Thing (bad timey connectiony sparky stuff) into a story about a guy who broke up with you twice in two months and then moved away for work. Definitely get rid of the part where you maybe weren’t supportive enough when he was grieving. You don’t need the fallacy that maybe you could control this if you’d done something differently hanging about in your brain.

If you’re meant to be friends down the road, it will be because he seeks you out and makes the effort and because your common interests (vs. your interest in his Pants) are enough to build a friendship on. You don’t have to make it easy for him or send him regular reminders. And if you were meant to date it would be easier and he wouldn’t keep needing “space” from you and breaking up with you.

Confusing dude is confusing. Fortunately a lot of people like things that start with “Star ___ ,” and you can find somebody who isn’t confusing and who knows that he likes you all the time. Please, please, please don’t waste 6 months or a year of your precious awesome life mooning after this guy and trying to figure out his deal. He TOLD you that deal is “I like you, but not enough.” Believe him, and no one has to cut off a hand or blow up a planet.

Dear Captain Awkward,

I know this is a really long post but I hope you read it through. I really need your advice regarding a situation with my daughter. A little background….about 2 years ago, my son at age 20 had an emotional breakdown and thought he was gay. The next 6 months were spent with him finally admitting it and with us dealing with the shock, disappointment, loss of our idea of what we’d envisioned for him and acceptance of the situation. My son is now in a relationship with someone who is smart, ambitious, caring and comes from a good family.

About 3 months after my son finally admitted he was gay, my daughter, who was 22, called me up and told me she was in a relationship with another girl. Needless to say, this was another shock and I couldn’t understand how this was possible for her. She had always been boy crazy, had fallen in love and been devastated when those relationships broke up. She said she wasn’t lesbian but was sexually fluid. The peace I felt with my son was because I came to believe that you don’t choose your sexuality, it’s something you’re born with and it made no sense to me that she would choose this. She seemed surprised at how upset I was and thought I would be fine with it since I was so open minded and yet she knew what I had gone through to deal with my son. I know that our acceptance of our son was hindered by her relationship – I don’t know if you can understand what a parent goes through when their child admits he/she is gay but when it’s both children…..

I was very vocal with my daughter about her relationship which probably wasn’t wise but I wasn’t thinking clearly in this situation. I told her I couldn’t accept it because I felt it was wrong for her. I felt she’d been manipulated by her partner(let’s call her B). B had been in a committed relationship when my daughter befriended them. According to my daughter, B’s partner had been caring and loving and would do anything for B but when her partner’s schedule became too busy, B couldn’t handle it and broke up the relationship. Since she had nowhere else to go, my daughter, feeling bad for B, agreed to let her sleep on the couch in our apartment at college(both my son and daughter shared a condo we own). This went on for a couple of months until graduation since apparently B’s parents are totally unsupportive and abusive and her mom is an alcoholic who checks in and out of rehab. B told my daughter later that she’d broken up because she’d fallen in love with my daughter. My daughter had just come out of a failed relationship and I feel certain that the only reason she got into the new relationship was that she was vulnerable and B took advantage of her when she needed a friend.

For the next 6 months, I basically didn’t talk to my daughter about the relationship although I was still supportive of her in other ways. She was moving across the country to attend law school and we went there to help her look for an apartment, helped her financially and generally tried to make things good for her. We suggested she find a roommate since we thought she would get lonely living by herself but she was adamant that she wanted to live by herself. Unknown to us, she and B(who’d taken a teaching job in the area) moved in together. My daughter would call and be upset and depressed. She kept saying she didn’t have any friends. She sounded so miserable and I told her she should go see a therapist to help her with understanding why she felt so depressed and down. I was worried about her mental state. I’ve always felt that she’s a strong, capable person who is a great friend. She’s smart, funny, caring, loving and ambitious and yet she sounded the opposite on the phone.

She began seeing the therapist and yet nothing changed. Until she called me one day, sobbing and saying she didn’t want to live anymore. She had been having problems with B who had gone out partying with her friends until 4 am for the past couple of weekends. My daughter’s final law school exams were in 2 days and she hadn’t studied. Couldn’t get out of bed, was crying all the time. She was afraid they were breaking up and she didn’t think she could live without her. B decided she wasn’t having fun with my daughter and since she hated her life and her work, she deserved to party with her friends and was going out of town that weekend. She stopped responding to texts and phone calls and my daughter would be texting constantly. My daughter finally told her that if B left , she couldn’t come back and that’s because I was going to be there. I flew across the country to be with my daughter and that’s when I found out that they had been living together. I stayed with her throughout the next couple of weeks, supporting her through her exams, packing her up for the summer and moving her out of the apartment. When I asked my daughter what she criticized B about, I found out that B was broke financially – had thousands of dollars in unpaid parking tickets on top of other debt, had a weed problem, had serious anger issues and would break things and yell when angry. She’d apparently left my daughter a number of times and only came back when my daughter apologized and coaxed her back. She blames everyone else for her problems including her parents who she says are totally unsupportive.

My daughter says the reason she’s having problems with her relationship is because she needs our approval and the fact that we don’t approve is what’s causing her to be critical of B. I don’t think that’s true. I’m sure a small part has to do with wanting our approval but I believe that there are too many other issues that are destructive. Nothing I’ve learned about B has made me feel that a relationship with her would be good for my daughter.

Here’s what I see….since they’re living in different cities, they don’t see each other. There are times when my daughter realizes that they need to break up and when she does, B says she’s going to kill herself and my daughter ends up calling a helpline or getting in touch with B’s mother. This has happened a couple of times. When my daughter stops communicating with B, she’s much happier. Her attitude improves slowly but I can hear the difference in her voice. But then B will send an apologetic email that says how much she loves my daughter and will change and seek therapy etc and be nice and kind and my daughter will start again – debating whether to break up or not and be miserable and can’t get out of bed.

This past weekend, my daughter finally broke it off for good, and there was such a positive change in her outlook. She was happier and felt more hope for her future – it lasted 2 days before B texted and emailed to say her parents were planning to institutionalize her in a terrible place and wouldn’t come to visit her. She was apparently screaming and crying because of the breakup and her parents didn’t know what to do. Of course my daughter became depressed and worried again. We finally blocked her text and phone(with her knowledge) and that’s when the mother sent my daughter an abusive email. Its finally ended up that B is now seeing a therapist instead of going to the institution and is emailing my daughter showing real progress in her attitude. She has asked my daughter to continue the relationship and she would work on her problems because she thinks they’re meant to be with each other. My daughter is now depressed again, crying, can’t get out of bed etc because she thinks she’d be making a mistake by breaking up especially since she’s seen B working positively with the therapist. She’s afraid that no one will love her like B and she’s afraid she won’t love anyone else like she loves B. She says she doesn’t enjoy anyone else’s company and doesn’t have fun with anyone else. She’s gained weight and doesn’t feel good about herself. She’s also afraid that if they break up, B will move forward and live a happy life and be a great partner to someone else while she’ll still be miserable, sad and depressed and will regret breaking up.

I’ve always told my daughter that she needs to learn to be with herself. She’s gone from one relationship to another and has never learned to like her own company. She’s lonely ALL the time and is not confident in her ability to deal with things. I’ve told her not to get into any relationships for at least a year and to seriously start liking herself but she’s seeing all her friends are in relationships and getting engaged and married and she’s afraid she’s going to be lonely and sad.

I’m stressed and don’t know what to do. I suggested she see a psychiatrist and a therapist but since she’s only in her city for the next few weeks, she may have to wait until she gets back to school. I hope you post this so that I can get the benefit of your advice as well as the experience of the commenters.

Thank you,
At my wit’s end

Dear At Wit’s End,

I’m not going to out your identity but I’m going to make an assumption based on your email address that your family’s religious tradition and the way that you were raised contributed heavily to your difficulties in accepting your son’s (and now your daughter’s) sexuality. Is that fair to say? You’re overcoming a lot of upbringing, faith, and culture around this.

I am so glad that you were able to let your love for your son help you support him in coming out and welcome his partner into your lives, and I’m so glad that your love for your daughter has allowed you to help her through the terrible experience of being involved with someone who is not good for her. I want to build a world where LGBTQ kids don’t have to painfully “come out” to their parents and worry about whether they will be accepted or rejected. I want to live in the world where that information doesn’t smash parents’ hopes and dreams for their children, because it is just one of many possible ways you can be and not seen as shameful, deviant, or “other.” Your love for your children is so obvious, so I’d like to ask you right now, as one human on the earth to another, to take a tiny step further toward building that world with me. It will be a world where your children (and their children) will be much happier and much safer.

Because: Your daughter’s trouble with B. is not because she is gay (or bi, or “fluid”), or however she defines herself. It’s because she is with a partner who is not good for her. We have plenty of examples from recent weeks of heterosexual relationships devolving into threats and manipulation when one partner tries to leave. I know it’s very easy for you to think “This problem all started when my daughter said she was gay” but if you’re going to be able to help her through this crisis it would help if you could that argument completely to rest. Here is one possible script for that:

“Daughter, I know I said some harsh things about your sexuality when you announced your relationship with B. It seemed to me that the two things were the same – you being in a gay relationship, and you being so unhappy – but I know from watching your brother and his partner that they are not the same. All I want for you is to be happy with someone who loves you and treats you like you deserve to be treated, and I’m sorry if I was judgmental in a way that drove you away from me. Parents are imperfect and we love you imperfectly, but I want you to know how much I do love you and believe in you.”

You can’t control everything that will happen with B., but you can control this: Heal the rift between you and your daughter. Become a united front again. She trusted you to be okay with her relationship after she saw the way you were able to open your heart to her brother and his partner, so it must have been an enormous hurt when you didn’t treat her the same way. Bring your son and his partner into the circle and get their support and love for your daughter as well.

You are taking very smart steps to help your daughter get away from this relationship by helping her cut off communication and trying to get her into some kind of mental health support structure. Maybe having her talk to someone new (in the city she’s staying in now) even if it’s for a brief time will help offer her some additional perspective.

B. sounds like a vulnerable person with a lot of problems who genuinely does deserve compassion, and I am glad she is getting help. I wish your daughter could see that sometimes “working on problems” is not enough, and that you can’t love people into becoming who you need them to be (even if you try really hard), and it’s not fair to make someone your entire world and reason for living (as B. is claiming/threatening to do). I wish she could see that loving someone doesn’t always mean that you can form a happy, functional relationship with them. I wish she knew that you could just end things that aren’t making you happy and that you don’t have to have a perfect, airtight reason. I wish she understood that we can care about people but we can’t do their (caring, living, healing) for them.

Even if your daughter had written to me herself, sadly we can’t make people break up with partners who are bad for them. Honestly, all the smart things I said in the paragraph above I learned the hard way by doing it wrong and staying invested in people who were not right for me way past the time I should have until things got so bad or I grew to the point that I was ready to detach.

So, there are a few concrete things you could do to help your daughter:

• Make peace.
• Remind her that you love her.
• Spend time with her – the whole family, if possible – not in a ‘You are a broken person who needs our help’ sense, but in a ‘Let’s all eat together and go to the movies and be happy and easy in each other’s company’ way.
• Encourage her to get back in touch with old friends (also in a fun, easy, positive way, not a U R BROKEN way)
• See if you can block B’s mom’s emails & texts as well.
• Offer to help your daughter get some kind of therapy right now if she needs it – instead of worrying about B’s mental health issues (which she can’t do anything about), she can focus on getting her own depression under control and building strength and resilience before going back to school.
• If “B” comes up in conversation, say something neutral like “You already know what I think. But I trust you, and I just want you to take care of you for a while.“
• Focus on self-care in general. Eating well. Getting some exercise and sunshine. Doing things she enjoys. In addition, if you have the money, don’t be afraid to be a little bit consumerist about it. Go get pedicures and/or massages together. Get great haircuts. Go to the art museum, or a concert, or a play, or a boat ride. Go to a nice lunch. Go see Brave together (warning: May make you cry, in a good way).

One more practical suggestion:

Accept that this thing with B. is not over yet and needs to run its course for a little while yet. So maybe switch your narrative from “You need to break off all contact with that woman right now!” (this is not an incorrect point of view, by the way, just not something your daughter can really hear or handle). Sometimes it’s very hard to contemplate cutting off contact with someone (especially someone who is obviously hurting, like B.) FOREVER. That feels final. It feels like the death of hope that things could get better. It feels like betrayal of a friend and a lover. Your daughter is deep in Golden Retriever of Love territory and everything hurts. Understand that we grieve even for relationships that are wrong for us, and the grief is real and painful.

Sometimes it’s more productive to talk about things in terms of small, finite amounts of time. “Those two days you didn’t talk to B. you seemed so happy and relaxed. It was like the sun came out for you again.  I know you love B., and you want to help her and be there for her, but what if you gave yourself a month away from worrying about her to just take care of yourself? You can check in with her a month from now and see if things really are improving, and you’ll be in much better shape to help her or make decisions if you’re feeling better overall.“

Because that’s the problem, isn’t it? In trying to take care of B. and this relationship, she forgot how to take care of herself. Remind her how in every small, supportive, loving way you can.

But first, make peace with your daughter. Be brave. Be vulnerable. Make the world a little bit safer for her and for all the other kids who worry about disappointing their parents because of who and how they love.

Excuse me, I’m going to go call my mom and tell her I love her now.

Darth Vader: Not really that fun at parties.

Ahoy Captain!

My boyfriend grew up around people whom he describes as ‘hateful and angry,’ who would call you [insert slur] if you pointed out their racism and misogyny. Later, he fell in with some really scary addicts. When I met him, the hard drugs and more violent people were gone, but he’s still friends with the non-violent ones.

My problem: Boyfriend’s BFF, ‘Jerkface.’ In no particular order:

1) He’s racist.

2) He’s fat-phobic.

3) He hates anyone who’s not an atheist.

4) He’s sexist. When I call him out for telling rape jokes, he says I’m overreacting. 

5) He mansplains. A friend once told him “Don’t be so condescending,” and pushed him through a window. Bystanders shrugged and said, “To be fair, he is really condescending.”

6) He used to hit on me constantly, in front of Boyfriend. He’d angrily mention how he called dibs on me, tell obscene jokes about me, ask me out, and lie about hooking up with me.

7) He encourages Boyfriend to drink WAY too much.

Much of this happens when Boyfriend is drunk, and he (a) does nothing and (b) doesn’t remember anything afterwards. Many people avoid Jerkface whenever possible; one even asked, “How does he get invited places if no one likes him?” I’m afraid people will assume Boyfriend is also a horrible person and avoid us too.

I confronted Boyfriend, and he acknowledges that Jerkface is a bigot, but says he’s just a product of their environment. If they were to meet for the first time today, he wouldn’t become friends with Jerkface, but they’ve been friends for 15 years and he’s like family.

However, Boyfriend also said he wants to be an ally. He’s been very receptive to the reading material I’ve given him. I told him I don’t want to be around Jerkface, and if Boyfriend wants to be with me, he needs to go to counseling and learn to confront Jerkface and his ilk.

Consequently, I haven’t seen Jerkface in months, Boyfriend spends much less time with him, and drinks much less. However, Boyfriend has admitted that he still can’t find the words to confront Jerkface because he’s worried about derails, like “You didn’t mind before” or “Girlfriend is just like Yoko Ono.”

Our relationship depends on Boyfriend’s either African Violet-ing the asshole or learning how to tell him off. So,

1) Can you suggest a script my boyfriend can use to talk to Jerkface?

2) Jerkface is engaged, and Boyfriend will be their Best Man. I don’t know if I’ll go to the wedding. I don’t want to cause stress on their big day, or put Boyfriend in the middle. What do you think?

Thanks so much!

Hi there:

I believe you that Jerkface is completely awful, and I applaud your decision to never spend time with him. Don’t go to the wedding (and don’t apologize for not going). Ask that Jerkface never be invited to your house. If you go somewhere and Jerkface also shows up, ask for your boyfriend’s backup when you say “Let’s get out of here.” If your boyfriend won’t have your back, these are indeed dealbreakers.

But I think you’ve already won this one, right? Boyfriend was receptive to your suggestions, up to and including “reading material,” and you don’t have to deal with Jerkface anymore. So what’s this ultimatum that he has to “confront” Jerkface or stop being friends with him or lose your relationship? What’s this worry that “people” will think your boyfriend is like Jerkface and avoid you?

Because, honestly, “unspecified people might think _____ about you (if you don’t do what I want)” is not-so-secret code for “I almost definitely think _______ about you.“

While we’re decoding secret messages, it’s very possible that  ”I want to confront him like you want me to, but I just don’t know how/can’t find the words” means “I agree with you and you are right about everything, but despite that he’s still kind of important to me and I don’t feel right totally cutting him off so am stalling for time.“

Jerkface is objectively awful. But if he’s not really in your life anymore, this maybe isn’t about him anymore. This is maybe about you trying to scrub the last vestige of Eau de Jerkface off your boyfriend. This is maybe about his history of irresponsible alcohol use, and about him taking some steps to reassure you that he won’t fall into old ways. (Acting like a dick when drunk and then conveniently not remembering it afterward is a Your Boyfriend problem, not a Jerkface problem).

If your boyfriend confronts or de-friends Jerkface, it’s serving some kind of ritual purpose in proving that he’s transcended his upbringing and is ready to be a good partner for you. And it puts the blame safely on Jerkface, instead of on your anxieties about other things in this relationship, like, will his drinking get out of control again even if he’s not around Jerkface? Will he, in moments of stress, fall back on old habits and say terrible stuff (or watch as his friends say terrible stuff) and then not remember it?

Maybe?

I don’t know, maybe it’s okay to want that proof that your boyfriend really has left his old ways behind. But maybe, if your boyfriend is otherwise doing right by you and is respecting your wishes to never be around Jerkface, this is one where you can be graceful in victory and trust time to solve the rest.

My suggested action for your boyfriend is to RSVP that he’ll be coming to the wedding solo. No need to call attention to it or confront anyone; that’s what they make those little response cards for. I think Jerkface might be onto the fact that you don’t like him and can feel however he wants about the fact that you won’t be there. If Jerkface does make a thing about it, your boyfriend can just keep repeating the basic facts – “Whatever, man, she isn’t coming. But I’ll be there!” and if Jerkface calls you Yoko Ono (like that’s an insult?) your boyfriend can say “Whoa, let’s change the subject” and then change the subject.

The script for you is “He has been rude enough to me that I am sure I never want to be in the same room as him again. As long as you can respect that and not pressure me about it, you run your relationship with him how you want. I love you.“

Because weddings sometimes bring out the worst in everyone, I must ask: Have you socialized much with the bride? Does she know about your dislike of Jerkface? Do you think she’ll get into the middle of things if you refuse to go, or see it as a referendum on their beautiful love? Even if she is totally oblivious to/chill about your history with Jerkface, get ready for him or your boyfriend to try to use her as a trump card to pressure you to go to the wedding, like, “I know you hate Jerkface, but consider the BRIDE on her SPECIAL DAY that you are RUINING.“

Keep these scripts up your sleeve just in case:

• “Oh my god, I didn’t know I had the power to singlehandedly ruin someone’s wedding! That’s amazing. Do you think if I really focused my powers, I could convince her to marry someone cooler?”
• “You’ll probably have way more fun without having The Disapproving Feminist looking down her nose at y’all, and I’ll definitely have more fun at home, reading bel hooks and drinking wine in the bath.” 
• “I think hating the groom’s guts pretty much obligates me to refuse the wedding invitation, actually.”
• If talking TO the bride, try for “I hope you will have a great wedding day and be very happy. Sorry, I just won’t be able to attend.” No need to explain why. It’s a party, not a compulsory work meeting.

That way Jerkface and the future Mrs. Jerkface (!?!) don’t have to pay for dinner for someone who hates them, you don’t have to hang out with Jerkface, and boyfriend doesn’t have to drop out of the wedding of his oldest friend.

If you had met up with your ex that day, this would have been the expression on his face. Still feel guilty?

Hi! This is very sweet, right? But don’t spring it on someone the first or second time you meet them. Friend-date people for a little while and if you’re meant to be friends you will totally figure it out.

Dear Captain Awkward:

I ended my first romantic relationship earlier this year. I’m in my early 20s, still in college. He was 10 years older than me. Long story short, we had met during the previous summer and had been attempting a long distance relationship. We talked constantly. Though he was needy and was borderline smothering me at times, he was sweet and fun. We finally met up again in early spring and everything seemed fine. Shortly after, he decided to tell me that he had slept with two other girls while we were apart. To get them to sleep with him, he told them that he had feelings for them. I was disgusted and called off our relationship. Still wanting to be amicable, I left the door open for a future friendship, but I told him that I needed some time. 

I wish it ended there. After a few months, I contacted him again. In a moment of loneliness and weakness, I wrote him a letter apologizing for cutting it off so abruptly. I also apologized for not being expressive enough-I’m not lovey-dovey and I tend to be shy about expressing my true feelings around men (Somehow, at the time, I felt that I had caused him to cheat on me-which I now realize was HIS decision. I have no control over his actions.) I missed him, and I wrote that I wanted him back in my life. Note that I never expressed any desire for a romantic relationship, and I had previously said that I wanted to be friends in the future.

After a month of casually e-mailing back and forth, he suddenly sent me a text message asking to meet me somewhere near my school. After a few texts back and forth, I found out that he had traveled cross country to see me, without warning. A trip to see me would have been long and costly. I panicked. Clearly, what he was doing was beyond being “friendly”. My entire mind and body seemed to be screaming: “Do.Not.Meet.Him!” I didn’t. I sent him an e-mail to leave me alone, and everything finally ended there.

I never wanted to start a romantic relationship again. I had only wanted to start our friendship over again. Was I leading him on? I’m still beating myself up over this. I hate that I had to hurt him, but at the same time, I don’t want to see him again. I felt that he was trying to pressure me into doing something that I didn’t want to do. He proved that he would always think about his own needs/desires first, not mine. But I still can’t justify my own behavior. Was I in the wrong?

Love Rookie

Dear Love Rookie:

Your former dude mistook your friendly email for a romantic gesture, so he made what he thought was a big romantic gesture in return, except really it was a stalkery gesture. That isn’t about you “leading him on,” that’s about a story he told himself in his head about what you wanted and about what would happen when he showed up. You say you felt like he was trying to pressure you into doing something you didn’t want to do. You felt correctly! He was in fact a “needy & smothering,” high pressure and manipulative guy! Who lies about his feelings to get girls to sleep with him, which constitutes actually “leading someone on!” You learned what he was like the first time you parted ways, and then you tried to give him another chance to be in your life as a friend, and he blew that other chance.

Maybe, after getting dumped the second he hit the UK, Lloyd Dobbler grew up and stopped being such a smothering, clingy weirdo. That’s not really Diane’s problem to solve, though.

You did the right thing by not meeting him. Your instincts, the ones that said “Aaah! Too close! Too weird! Don’t meet him!” were protecting you. Maybe from danger. Maybe just from an extremely uncomfortable confrontation with a guy who thought flying across the country at the drop of a hat was a normal thing to do. That’s the Gift of Fear at work.

I’m sure it was very hurtful to him when you did not want to meet him, but that’s not your fault. He set himself up for a fall and seriously overstepped your boundaries. Hopefully he will learn to save giant, romantic gestures for people who are actually interested in his giant, romantic gestures.

Since he has not gotten in touch with you since you asked him to leave you alone, I think you’re safe from further pop-ins, but it might make you feel better to block him on email & social media and see if you can block texts and calls from him on your cell phone. It’s one step closer to leaving him and everything about him entirely in the past.

I don’t think you did anything wrong here. You get to change your mind about people. You ESPECIALLY get to change your mind about people as a direct result of their actions. So why are you beating yourself up?

Well, there’s the whole idea of “leading someone on” to contend with.

I think it is cruel to deliberately toy with someone’s feelings for fun like, for instance, lying to them about your emotions in order to get them to sleep with you, which your ex-boyfriend did to people. That is bad and he should feel bad.

But what mostly happens is that people are in the middle of working out how they feel, or they haven’t figured out how to express their feelings. Maybe they want to be more into someone than they are, so they try to psych themselves up to date someone and then realize later that they aren’t that into it. They get put on the spot and don’t feel like they can say no. Or maybe they are just having fun flirting, or they have a different level of interest in someone than that person has in them at a given time. I’ve definitely really liked someone after one date and then not been so into them after date two or three, and I’ve definitely been on the other side of that, where I like them more the more time we spend together and they like me less. Navigating that stuff can be painful, and awkward, but it’s just part of being human.

This movie has totally grown on me as a movie about the power of Wishful Thinking and Entitlement.

The badness comes when the other person puts on their Entitlement Goggles and runs everything you say through the Wishful Thinking Translator. The Wishful Thinking Translator adds deep, heavy meaning to all interactions. And it also translates things you say into things that the Wishful Thinker gets to have: Your time. Your attention. Your affection. Your pants.

Say you have a nice time hanging out with a new acquaintance or date, and this conversation at the end of that.

Other Person: “Do you want to have dinner sometime?“

You: “Sounds good. I’m a bit swamped at the moment, though. Can I get back to you next week?“

Wishful Thinking Translator: “She promised to definitely have dinner with us next week. Time to start scanning Yelp reviews and making reservations.”

Say you remain swamped, stuff slips your mind, and you don’t actually call the person to get together next week.

Someone who really likes you but who is not using a Wishful Thinking Translator on what you say might feel a bit bummed, like, hey, maybe she doesn’t really want to have dinner. They might check in in a casual way, like “I’d still love to make a dinner plan, maybe on X day? Let me know when your schedule clears up.”

If you really like them and want to have dinner, you’ll probably reply and try to set something up. If you don’t want to have dinner, you’ll hopefully send a reply saying so, but if you don’t, both parties will figure dinner was not meant to be and drop it until you do get in touch.

Someone who is using a Wishful Thinking Translator is angry. You promised you’d have dinner, precioussssssss. You owe them dinner gollum gollum gollum. If you do not actually have dinner with them, you are a flake and a mean person who “leads people on.” They will come across as needy and smothering in trying to set up that dinner. And if you say “Oh man, I am so sorry, I am still really swamped” you’ll get a passive-aggressive “I BET YOU ARE” or “If you don’t like me, you can just tell me. You don’t have to LEAD ME ON like EVERYONE ELSE.” This is because when someone is speaking Wishful Thinking and the other person is speaking normal speech, refusals or failures to connect or follow up get sent directly to the Jerkbrain where they receive the worst possible interpretation. “She didn’t reply to my email or call me to arrange dinner = I AM HORRIBLE AND I SUCK AND NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE ME.“

The bummer is, I think most of us have been on both sides of this interaction. Someone we like agrees to get “coffee sometime” and we pump our fists in the air because Coffee, It Is On Like Donkey Kong! And then coffee never happens, because OBVIOUSLY WE SUCK AND NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE US. If we react to the person from that place of extreme self-doubt & entitlement, our reactions will be disproportionate and weird. We will creep them out.

When you’re on the receiving end of someone else’s extreme wishful thinking, it can really mess with your head. A seemingly innocuous interaction will end badly and leave you feeling bad and second-guessing yourself. Like, were you being a flake? Do you lead people on? You’re a nice person, and you don’t want to be someone who leads people on, so should you just go out with them one more time to show that you’re not like everyone else? (No.) Or apologize in some way?  (No.) All they did was try to do something nice, right? So why are we so creeped out? It’s not fair!

A manipulative person will use that tiny bit of self-doubt to wedge themselves into your life. They can’t have your freely given affection, so they’ll appeal to your sense of fairness and desire to be a nice person who doesn’t reject people who make nice gestures, like flying across the country at the drop of a hat to pay you an unwanted visit. Gavin de Becker calls this “loan sharking”, and commenters here call it “favor sharking”: Doing something for someone that they didn’t ask or want you to do, and then acting as if it entitles you to a favor or time or attention or affection in return. When someone’s attention feels strange and unwanted, it’s important to cut through all the favors and expectations of niceness and ask yourself, bluntly: “Do I want to spend time with this person? No? Okay, then, let’s all believe in the no.”  Love is subjective and unfair. Manipulators will do almost anything to cut you off from asking yourself that question and saying a clear no. They will do anything to make it about abstract things like “fairness” and whether you “led them on” and what their expectations were. They want it to be very difficult to say no. Sometimes you have to cut people off in a way that feels quite cold and brutal, both to you and to them, and it sucks. But it’s better than staying involved with someone you don’t want to be involved with.

Remember this: It is not your job to anticipate and manage every possible iteration of other people’s feelings. It’s your job to figure out what your feelings are and be true to them.

And so often, accusations of “leading someone on” go hand in hand with male entitlement and slut-shaming. “You smiled at me/wore a pretty dress/have had sex before/have had sex with ME before/looked like you might have had sex with someone at some previous time/said you’d go out with me again/kissed me/fell asleep in the same room as me…..and I interpreted that as being some kind of written contract with my penis.” It’s a way of making someone else’s desire for you and wishful thinking about you all your fault, to try to guilt you into doing what they want. So if someone uses the phrase “You led me on” or “I bet you just lead guys on” or “Are you leading me on?” see it for what it is: EXTREME NO-GOOD RAPE-CULTURE BADNESS. It’s a neg. It’s designed to get you to spend more time with and/or sleep with someone who senses that you don’t actually want to sleep with them. It is, in the words of Admiral Ackbar, a trap.

You’re suggesting that you “led him on”, and I’m suggesting that you are not a bad person because you’ve internalized some of our fucked-up culture into your head and think that “leading someone on” is actually something that can happen without malicious, deliberate intent. Intent that you did not have, ergo, you did not lead anyone on.

Good news: Your self protective instincts are fully operational!

Letter Writer, this ex of yours sounds like a major manipulator, and I’m betting that he did a real number on your soul and you’re still sorting through the aftermath. I bet the way he treated those other girls is also telling about some ways he treated you. People like him are great at making you second-guess yourself. I’m here to tell you that his unplanned visit to your campus was not friendly, it was not romantic, and it was way out of line. I’m here to tell you that you were smart to break up with him, kind to want to mend fences, and extremely smart and self-protective to mistrust his motives and stay away from him. Your self-protective instincts are fully operational! Now what remains is for you to get the last of him out of your system.

Suggested steps:

1. Block him on every conceivable communication outlet. I don’t think you should have any more contact with him ever again. I don’t think you guys will ever get to a happy, friendly place where everything feels good, so make a completely clean break and do what’s best for you.

2. If you find yourself worrying about this, and cycling through memories and thoughts of him, stop and say: “There is nothing to forgive, but I forgive myself anyway.”  Or write that in a journal 1,000 times. Or write a letter to him that you don’t ever send. Do some ritual thing to make a break with the past.

3. Channel residual guilty feelings into being nice to people that you want in your life. Volunteer. Buy a friend pancakes.

4. Talk it over with a counseling pro. I think this guy probably got into your head in more ways than one, and it may take some time and a trained, friendly ear to get him back out again. If it’s affecting you to the point that it is messing up your moods and your life, it’s worth doing whatever you can to lay it to rest.

5. Be nice to yourself and spend time with awesome people who make you feel awesome.

Love,

Captain Awkward

Who would win in a fight? A common question posed by The Internet.

Hello, Citizens of Friday.

First order of business, this great nod of solidarity for the socially awkward from Dorothy Parker.

‎”Those who have mastered etiquette, who are entirely, impeccably right, would seem to arrive at a point of exquisite dullness.” -Dorothy Parker

Second order of business: This great post from The Pervocracy, “How To Have Sex on Purpose.” It’s an essay form of the talk about consent and what people can learn about sex from kinksters that Cliff gave at U of Chicago’s Sex Week last week.

Third order of business: Great Darth Vader Boyfriend song or GREATEST Darth Vader Boyfriend song?

That should segue us nicely into this question:

Dear Captain Awkward:

My best friend at work is romantically obsessed with her douche of a boyfriend. He has been both mentally and sexually manipulative and verbally abusive. All of her friends at work realized this. We were asked on many occasions for advice by her or listened to her vent, but she only tightens her grip on him, and increasingly pushes her own friends away. Any advice? Is she a lost cause?

Thanks:

Don Draper

Dear Don:

Your selected username is pretty unintentionally funny, because Don Draper is TOTALLY a Darth Vader Boyfriend. He physically assaults Betty, and tried to convince her that she cannot leave him. He totally broods his way into getting sympathy sex with ladies who he does not treat very well.

Awesome design by Dann Matthews.. P.S. There are T-shirts.

Don’t know how long you’ve been reading, but we covered Darths at length in one of the first-ever posts on this blog. And we also covered how to tell a friend that you have had enough venting for the time being.

The points I’d reiterate here is:

• Your friend does not have to break up with her boyfriend to please you. Even if he sucks. That’s just not how people and their hearts work.
• But also, you do not have to endlessly listen to her talk about him. Her sun may rise and set by the cycle of her bad boyfriend’s moods and behaviors, but yours does not have to.

What if, the next time she complains about something he did, you responded with some version or progression of:

• Sympathetic monosyllables. Hmmmm, huh, wow…
• Let her finish the story. 
  
• “That sounds pretty terrible/abusive/crappy, sorry you had to deal with that.”

In other words, let her know you are paying attention, validate her experience, but do not offer any advice or suggestions or do anything to get further involved. At the end of her story, once you’ve validated her, be silent for a bit or make some brief soothing noises, and then try to change the subject to something else.

If she pushes you to respond more in depth, say:

• “You already know what I’m going to say, right?”
• “That sounds pretty not normal and not okay to me.“
• “When you tell me a story like that, what is it that you hope I will say?”
• “It’s not my place to tell you what to do.”
• “That sounds pretty serious. I wish you’d talk to a pro about it.”
• “I am very confident that you can decide for yourself what is best for you.” 
• “I don’t want to give you advice, but I hope you find a way to feel better about things and get what you need.”

Translation: Listen to her, keep the lines of communication open, but maybe make it pretty boring for her to tell you about this stuff, and try to disengage from every detail of the day-to-day ups and downs.

If she really pushes you for an opinion, give her one.

• “When I hear stories about your boyfriend, it makes me sad, because in my experience people who love you treat you much better than that. I think you would probably be much happier down the road if you ended things. That is what I think. But you already know what I think about your boyfriend. More than anything, I want to be supportive of you, my friend, and that means being respectful of your choices. If you want to stay, I am your friend. If you want to leave, I am your friend. Beyond that, I don’t have anything to offer, and that includes advice about a situation that isn’t my business to decide.“

That all sounds pretty cold, right? But you’re not her therapist, and you can’t have her relationship (or end her relationship) for her.

So, here is my reasoning:

People do not thank you for being right about their terrible partners. Dogging someone’s choice of boyfriend when they are totally infatuated can end your friendship with the person and leave them cut off from you when they need you the most.

Roses are red/violets are blue/ it is so fun/to manipulate you

People in abusive relationships are used to being told what to do and how to feel. They are also used to having a lot of drama – extremely high highs and low lows – as normal. An abuser will try to convince a victim that their feelings aren’t real or don’t matter. And they will try to convince them that really outlandish, not okay behaviors are normal and okay. And that it’s normal & expected to have screaming fights, or be constantly dealing with cheating & jealousy & control, or to have sex when you don’t really want to. An abuser’s message is: This is normal and also the best you can ever expect from life. If you told other people, they wouldn’t believe you.

Sadly, Darth Vaders are the MASTERS of “You are the only person who has ever really understood me/Our love is different and outsiders wouldn’t possibly understand” and of getting their victims to defend indefensible behavior when it’s criticized by others and of isolating them from people who might give an alternate perspective.

That’s the precipice you’re on the edge of right now.

Criticize him too hard, and she’s put in the position of defending him. What seems obvious to you, like, “No one should put up with that behavior from a partner and it would be better if you left” is going to get twisted by Abuser Logic into “See, he thinks you are stupid for staying with me. You’re not stupid, right? So show him, by staying with me.” 

She might run things by you to get a perspective and then take that perspective home to Darth, as a way to fight back against what he’s doing to her by invoking outsiders. “Don Draper at the office says that it’s bad to do x, y, and z, and you shouldn’t treat me like that anymore.” In the hands of a Darth, this will become about how you are just saying that because you are jealous and don’t really understand and you pry into everyone’s business and probably trying to sleep with her and everyone has always underestimated and misunderstood him, is she going to be one of those cruel boring people who can’t see how awesome he is or is she going to join the special magic people who really get it?

Listen to the song. Listen to how Carly/The Narrator says she won’t cut fresh flowers/make the wine cold/put on cologne/change the sheets/sit by the phone. As soon as she says that she won’t do those things you know that she will do them. Believe in that sinking feeling. Listen to how she asks all of her friends to stop her from going back to Jesse/Darth. And then listen to the end of the song, where she goes back to him, like we all knew she would. She’s self-aware about her addiction.

In every abusive situation, there is love, or someone’s idea of what love should feel like and be like. If people didn’t love their abusers and crave their love in return, it would be easy to leave. Those feelings of love (along with lust and a good dose of wishful thinking) are real and important to your friend.  Whether you understand it or condone it, those feelings are part of the equation that an abuse victim is doing. “But I love him, and he loves me, and this hardship & pain is just a temporary cost of real, true, intense love like we have. You couldn’t possibly understand.” One of the most heartbreaking truths is that feeling love, hearing all the words you’ve ever wanted to hear someone say to you about love, having the most intense sexual chemistry, being able to stay up all night and have long, deep, intense conversations about the things in your heart do not necessarily mean that you can build a happy life with someone. They do not necessarily guarantee that the person who generates all those feelings will be kind to you and treat you as you deserve. So when someone describes abusive or unkind behaviors we’re quick to say “That’s not really love” or “You shouldn’t love him” or “he doesn’t really love you” or “DTMFA.” And we’re not necessarily wrong to think that or to say that. Obviously I personally think it’s important to fight against the way that our culture pressures people, especially women, to stay in romantic relationships even when they aren’t working. But when we treat someone’s feelings as unreal or unimportant in skipping to the part where they should do what we want them to, we forget that finding out that the person who makes you feel such intense feelings is not really good for you and that it’s not going to end well is fucking shattering. Breaking off a relationship that has been important to you, even if it was a dysfunctional one, entails feelings of extreme grief on the way to whatever relief and freedom is possible.

I can change! I promise!

There’s a certain amount of contempt that creeps into the way we talk about abuse victims. We ask “Why does she stay?” or “Why does she keep choosing people like this?” instead of “Why did someone claim to love her and then turn around and treat her so terribly?“ If you’re coming into work every day and getting the most recent Darth Blotter of Unconscionable Acts, you might find that contempt creeping into how you speak to your friend and speak about her. People get really mad when they offer help and/or advice and the other person doesn’t take it, like now that they’ve put in the time to listen and give the benefit of their perspective the other person owes them a certain course of action. If these feelings and attitudes are coming up for you (they are kind of seeping around the edge of your letter, like, we all LISTENED but she STAYS with him NOW WHAT), you can help your friend by examining them for what they are and not treating her like she owes you something.

The thing is, abusive partners start acting terribly after you already love them. And they don’t act consistently terribly all the time, so there is always the painful, exhilarating hope for the victim. “You mean, I won’t have to blow up my entire life/housing situation/hopes/dreams after all? There is good in him, I’ve felt it! He can change!” A Darth Vader is an expert score-keeper and advocate for “fairness.” Smart, kind people tend to be self-aware of their own mistakes and the ways they are less than perfect, and they own up to them and apologize for them. Darths use this admirable quality against us in some calculus where any bad act by him is cancelled out by you not being perfect + all the nice things he’s ever done + his really fucked-up childhood/history of depression/the unfair way everyone else in life has ever treated him = THINGS ARE TOTALLY OKAY NOW, RIGHT?

If, in the aftermath of some extreme fucked up behavior that makes you feel awful, you find yourself making pro & con lists of all the nice things someone has done for you and all the tiny imperfections you have, you may know a Darth.

So be the opposite of Darth. Don’t tell her how she should feel. Don’t tell her what to do. Remind her that she is smart and capable, remind her that you respect her work and like her a lot. At work, talk to her about work and treat her like a capable adult who does good work, and don’t let her personal travails bleed into your perceptions and treatment of her. Yes, I mean that even if she is bringing them up all the time. I mean that even if you cannot understand why someone would stay with someone who treats her so badly. Smart people get blindsided by emotional things that they can’t defeat with intelligence all the time.

You can’t stop her cycle and you can’t save her.

On an episode of Hoarders, I once saw someone jump into a dumpster to retrieve this thing. It’s a sith-a-phor.

You can like her for who she is. You can gently offer a reality check when it’s asked for. You can show her that normal is when someone likes you and respects you, they treat you well all the time and it isn’t really that hard to manage. You can set some boundaries about how & when you want to discuss Darth. “I’m sorry, I am not the right audience for this story today. Can we talk about something else?” Those boundaries might serve both of you in more ways than one, not least by making work a No Darth zone. You can put the number of some counseling services into her hand, and you can let her know that seeking such services carries no shame and no stigma with you. “I think that the behavior you are describing is really scary and not normal, maybe you should talk to someone who will be 100% on your side and help you figure out what you want to do about everything.“ Maybe you can help break her fall when it comes with a couch to sleep on, a small loan, a moving van, a hot meal, a sweet recommendation letter for a promotion, covering some shifts. She might accept that help and she might not. She might accept that help and then go back a month or six later.

Just keep in mind that when someone is fleeing the exploding Death Star and they need help, they don’t call the person who made them feel stupid for staying in it so long.

Image from likecool.com

Hi there,
An online friend and I were innocent email buds. One day, we start DMing which leads to texting/phone call. It gets sexual. Tells me he has a live in girlfriend but doesn’t ever say “maybe we shouldn’t go there.” It progresses to constantly talking, texting, gchatting. 2 weeks after we started he flew here for a weekend.

Knew he had a gf, he told me they had major issues ever since she moved in. I asked him to please break up with her and figure that out ASAP. He went home and 2 days later he told me he would regret leaving if he didn’t try to fix their relationship. But wanted to try with me too. The waffling about what he wanted continued for 4 months. We saw each other again, talked constantly. We’d both try to cut each other off at points, it NEVER stuck.

Throughout I would threaten to tell her, push him to leave. I regret all the manipulation. In the fall, he decided that he couldn’t handle it. He cut it off, came crawling back. I let him. He’d become my emotional crutch. I fell into deep depression, constantly beating myself up. 

Finally he said I severely hurt him by threatening to tell her, he could never really forgive me, give me a real chance. I said I’m done, cut off contact. Though did demand he tell her. I wanted him to get left. He did tell her, they have stayed together so far.

So was left feeling insane and sad. I did some controlling things that I’m not proud of. Jerkbrain: I’m an awful person who not only hurt this man but someone else too. I acted absolutely unreasonable on more than one occasion with this situation.

How I can start to forgive myself? Some people may always think I’m seriously shitty and I have to get over that but having a really hard time being okay with everything. Especially because I really did care for him. We had some seriously intense emotional and physical chemistry and I really thought I loved him at one point. I know this pit of despair may eventually dissipate but I am so ashamed of myself and tired of feeling like I’m the bad one.

And her friends have openly cried for revenge against me and told me I should be scared. They have stayed together so I guess I can understand why I’m the target and not him but it’s really frustrating that that’s the tactic. Which is my other question, how do I reconcile my desire for justice against him? I am just so pissed that he’s essentially had no consequences.

Thanks.

Good news, there are a few people in this story who deserve the “bad one” title more than you.

#1 is Cheater McCheaterson, who can’t just fucking cheat but has to also drag you along on the entire rollercoaster of his dysfunctional relationship and its aftermath. He was the one with a girlfriend, and he was the one with a greater responsibility to her, either to pass on a relationship with you if that was their agreement and his choice, or to make a clean break with her. He was totally capable of telling you “You are awesome, but I have a girlfriend, so I don’t think we should chat so much.” He was totally capable of telling her, “I met someone and I want to explore that, even if it means we break up.” He chose neither of those things, because he wanted to have a girlfriend and a relationship with you and ride everything out for as long as possible. It’s not shocking that things got messy, and he doesn’t have to be bad or evil to get in over his head, but he did not help this situation. I don’t think your threatening to tell his girlfriend (or even actually telling her) would have made much of a difference in the end. It’s a weak position where the only strong play you really have is to get the hell out of there and leave them to each other.

#2, #3, #4 are anyone who tells you you should “be scared” because you fell in love with a dude who spun you a lot of confusing lies and empty promises.

The Darth Vader boyfriend or girlfriend isn’t necessarily evil or deliberately malicious. We’ve talked a lot here about warning signs, and those are certainly red flags for when you are getting involved with someone, but for me the characteristic that makes something a Darth Vader situation can only be seen afterward, when you see how much you strayed from yourself (your own best interests, your own ethics, your own standards for how you want to be treated) and how often you made excuses for the other person’s behaviors to preserve the relationship. My Darth Vader was not awesome in his behavior, and was quite manipulative, but what makes me look back with shame and horror was my own total desire to be manipulated and hear only what I wanted to hear and also behaviors that tended toward, frankly, stalking. Darth Vaders, however they work, create an altered headspace where we are not our best selves. And while we are always responsible for our actions, we have to find a way to forgive ourselves in order to get free of that headspace.

Right now, the only things that fix this are time, distance, and sitting with some uncomfortable truths until you gain something like perspective and can tell a story about this that doesn’t hurt.

Step 1: Cut off contact completely with this guy and everyone who knows him, including these friends of his girlfriend. Use whatever e-blocking tools you have to do, but do whatever you can to make sure you travel in completely separate worlds. You can’t worry about threats if you don’t know that threats are happening because everyone involved in this story is dead to you.

Most importantly: Don’t try to be friends.

You’re not friends, and you won’t be friends. The best part of you wants to find a way to preserve the good in all of this, and to make everything feel less wasted and wrong. Like, if you can be friends, it will all have been worth it. Something can be saved! Beware this instinct. Mostly what gets saved is his ability to believe that he’s not a bad guy, and his ability to reach out to you for emotional support and keep you engaged in his drama. What gets lost is your ability to put it behind you, by getting as angry as you need to get before you can heal. It keeps the little jolts of attention, and let’s face it, addiction going as the texts and messages come in or leave you bereft when they don’t come in.

Step 2: Repeat this until you believe it: Having great chemistry does not by itself make someone a good partner for you. People have to be kind, and considerate, and respect boundaries, and when it comes down to it, they have to choose you.

This isn’t a story about how you would be together if it wasn’t for this lady and her threatening friends, this is a story about a guy who liked you well enough but didn’t want to be with you. You were actually involved, even if you didn’t have some kind of official relationship status called “girlfriend” or “primary partner” or whatnot. It is a break-up, so mourn it like a break-up. Give yourself permission to feel sad, and bereft, and royally fucked over by fates.

Chemistry (love, lust, that instant recognition that here be your people, “intensity”) does mess with people, and people treat it like some inexorable force that temporarily abrogated all decision-making skills and swept them away. You aren’t the first person to be here, nor is he, nor was I when it was my turn to be in these shoes, but eventually the cloud clears and the question of “should we actually be together” comes up. Are you actually together? Would this wishy-washy guy who didn’t choose you in the end actually make a good partner? The answer to both of these is no. If you were supposed to be together, you would be together, and it would have gone easier than this.

It’s not the kindest or most comfortable thought, but it’s important to get yourself out of the headspace of “If only….!” and worry over the good times you had and try to stretch them to cover you now. Feeling: We were so great together! If only! Fact: But he didn’t choose me, and we are not together.

The first time you teach yourself to put the factual wet blanket on those feelings, it really hurts. Because you are basically taking The Golden Retriever of Love to the vet and “sending it to live on a nice farm where there are horses” or whatever your parents told you was the euphemism for “we killed the dog when you were at school.” Murdering hope fucking HURTS. But this guy has shown you again and again that he is not a good repository for those hopes, and having hope where he is concerned does not help you. Over time, if you can get in the habit of nixing the obsessive “But if only!” thoughts as soon as they come up, the fact of “But we’re not together” gets a friend, and that friend is “And I only want to be with people who really want to be with me, and who will come at me correct.“

Step 3: Letting go also means letting go of the desire for revenge. The desire for his life to fracture the way it feels your has is understandable, but it keeps you engaged with him. It doesn’t seem fair, but it is actually entirely, cruelly, beautifully fair: .His reward or punishment is exactly the same as everyone’s – he has to live in his own skin and find a way to move forward with his life.

Step 4: It’s not a good idea to tell his girlfriend what happened, no matter how much you may want her to know, but tell SOMEONE. Deal with this overall cloud of depression you’ve got going on by dealing with it as depression. Get counseling. Tell someone the whole story, the highs, the lows, the hopes, the feeling that something beautiful was completely twisted and wasted, the missing piece in your day that used to be filled by this drama and how nothing feels right afterwards. A therapist or counselor can sort through what happened and help you take ownership of only what is yours (what can be learned from and changed in the future) and let go of what belongs to other people (his responsibility toward his girlfriend). Speak, and get it out of your system. Be good to yourself.

Step 5: Let time do its work.

This is what a good outcome looks like. Not you back together, not him suffering, just someday, you will tell a story about this time that goes like this:

“I got involved with a very charismatic guy who had a girlfriend, and things got very messy both between us and for my own mental health. I’m not proud of the way that any of us behaved, but mostly I’m really glad that it’s over.“

And you won’t have to go into the details or chew them over, because it will be well and truly in the past.

We’re only evil stalkers *sometimes.*

Hi Captain!

I’m having a bit of a boundary issue.

About six months ago, I ended a one-year relationship that had become deeply dysfunctional. My boyfriend at the time was very depressed, was using drugs, and was by turns distant and emotionally cruel. I still care about him a lot and I know that most of what he put me through was a result of what he himself was going through – but, I have taken care of myself and moved on. I’m in a healthy relationship now, and I’m very happy. 

The previous boyfriend is currently trying to get his life together, and I’m so glad that this is the case. I know that he can be an amazing person when he’s not in the dark place he’s been in. Unfortunately, he’s not better yet, and while I’ll be prepared to be friends with him when he is, I’m not equipped to take on the role of support system while he pulls himself up. 

He’s not really taking “no” for an answer. He contacts me frequently, even after promising not to, even after I have told him to stop. He talks to my friends – our non-mutual friends – and leaves posts on my blog. He goes back and forth between being remorseful to the point of grovelling and saying cruel and hurtful things. I’m not ready to deal with all of this, so I have stopped acknowledging him completely and until further notice. 

The biggest problem is that we have some mutual friends, and he thinks of them as his territory. I met his best friend while we were still together, and we’ve become very close; I also became close with another of his friends post-breakup (though in the early stages, when it looked like we were going to be able to keep things friendly). I feel like I’ve earned my place in these people’s lives, and they in mine, but I know that it’s hard for him to stop fixating on our time together when I’m always in his periphery, and that he feels like I have stolen them. 

I don’t want to stop being friends with these people, but I do want my previous boyfriend to leave me alone so that I can stop being caught up in all this toxicity and so that he can get better. Can I have it both ways, or do I need to cut my losses?

Rock and a Hard Place

Dear Rock:

I think the kindest thing you can do for yourself is to cut one specific loss: The hope that you and this ex will ever be friends again.

I don’t think you will be. And that isn’t your fault; he’s way too fixated on you and doing some disturbing things to get your attention and to try to control you. That’s not what friends do, that’s what obsessed dudes do. I have been driven to weird and boundary-violating behavior by unrequited love, and the only thing that allowed any kind of friendship to continue was me immediately stopping all unwanted contact and chilling the hell out for a long, long time.

Also, it’s very nice and forgiving that you want to chalk up the cruelty to his bad headspace and addiction issues, but this is still a person who, when the chips are down and things are stressful, releases that stress by being mean to you. Almost everyone who has ever been involved with an addict or a mean person has the same story to tell about this “amazing” person when they’re not drinking/depressed/studying for finals/looking for a job/grieving/using and treats the bad behavior like a massive aberration. I’ve done it, you’ve done it, many of us have done it – there is Good Ex (the one we love) and Bad Ex (the demon that comes out only sometimes and isn’t really his fault because brain chemistry/bad childhood/poorly socialized/substances) and we tell ourselves a story that our love & loyalty can defeat Bad Ex and leave us only with Good Ex. Bad Exes tends to LOVE this story and really spin it out with beautifully crafted apologies for bad behavior that end with you apologizing to them for not being forgiving and accommodating enough.

I would like to put forth the thesis that Good Ex and Bad Ex are the same (“cruel”, boundary violating, untrustworthy, unsafe) person, and that there are people who don’t say mean, terrible things to each other when they are stressed out or sad, and the story of the Amazing! Guy With the Wicked Dark Side is a toxic story that we’re all sort of culturally addicted to. I know that you’ve moved on, and are happy (SERIOUSLY, GOOD JOB, THAT WAS PROBABLY NOT EASY), and you did all the right stuff, and there were very good reasons you loved him, and you are not wrong or stupid for wanting to be as kind and understanding and hopeful as you can be in the aftermath! These are GOOD qualities! They are just easily manipulated by untrustworthy people and easily bound to the story of the fucked up guy who finally was understood sufficiently by the right woman that we all watch every week in 1,000 separate refractions on the TV. I don’t want to see you making excuses for or trying to hold onto a happy ending version of this or bending over backwards to be fair for the sake of someone who is cruel to you. That cruelty isn’t drugs. That cruelty is HIM, and choices he is making.

Let’s weigh the relative “crimes” here:

• You’ve stayed friends with nice people you met through your ex.
• He, in turn, is deliberately and repeatedly communicating with you against your wishes, often in a cruel and emotionally damaging way.
• Yet you’re the one who is worried if what you’re doing is ok and trying to manage the situation better.

You are doing a smart thing by ignoring all communications. I would go several steps further:

1) BLOCK all methods of e-communication, including banning him from making blog comments. If he’s using the phone to text and call you, get a new number that you give only to friends (and ask them not to share with others). Keep the old number and a voice-mail box turned on for a while so that his calls get sent somewhere and he thinks they are getting through. If you need to, have a friend or family member hold onto Old Phone so you have a document but don’t have to deal with it. Make the decision that you will never respond to any communication from him and stick to it.

You may think you owe him a “re-setting of expectations” conversation, like you said once that you wanted to be friends someday but that’s no longer on the table. You don’t actually owe him that. “Closure” is a lie, and he is the only one who could ever, ever give it to himself.

2) Ask the people who are your-friends-but-not-mutual-friends to do the same. Script: “Dear friend, I’ve asked my ex to leave me alone, but he keeps trying to find ways to contact me including reaching out to people like you. The best thing you can do to help is to block him on social media, document but don’t respond to any communications that get through, and don’t pass information  - either about me to him, or about him and his contacts to me (that’s what he wants you to do). Hopefully this behavior will die down soon as he stops getting the jolts of attention that he’s seeking, and he can focus on his own recovery. This is really sad and not a little bit scary, so thank you for your help.”

3) Mutual friends, especially someone who is his best friend,  are obviously trickier. I think if you try to keep a friendship going with these folks it has to have some parameters, like:

• We don’t discuss ex when we hang out.
• Don’t pass information about me to ex, or ex to me. Let those things be separate.
• It would be great down the road if we could all be friends again, but the stalking behavior is really freaking me out and making that feel impossible, so please, no pressure or even discussion about that right now.
• You (Letter Writer) are going to hang back from events/parties/social scene stuff where ex is likely to be for a while to give him some space so he’s not running into you everywhere. I know this is ceding “territory,” but it is actually a cool thing to do  if you know that someone is struggling with seeing you and holding it together. Sometimes it’s not about fairness, sometimes it is about this person hurting and needing to feel like there are safe spaces they can go. You already won by getting out of the relationship and being happy, you don’t have to “win” every party. I think this is also safer choice for you, unless you like looking over your shoulder for this dude and the prospect of many crying & yelling scenes at parties.

Good news, if your friendship with these folks is really a friendship that is based on mutual interests and comfort and meant to survive the long-term, it will survive these parameters. If the friendship is really about bonding over the drama of dealing with ex and being his caretakers, or if these friends help their old friend keep violating your boundaries, it will not survive them, and that will be hard and painful in the short term but ok in the longterm as everyone disengages and moves on. I am sorry you are dealing with this. You are good, you are doing everything right, and it takes a long time and a lot of perseverance to shake off an obsessed ex-partner.

Hi Captain,

I have a friend, we’ll call her Jane. Several years ago, when I caught her first boyfriend making out with another girl at a party, I told her about it (I figured if my house was on fire, I’d want to know, right?). She claimed I was just trying to break them up because I was jealous (I wasn’t), told me to F-off and then just stopped talking to me.

Fast forward a year, Jane apologised for her behaviour and we were sort of friends again, and had caught up a few times. I saw her second boyfriend in a shopping centre with another girl, holding hands and kissing, and he saw me. Remembering how she reacted last time I tried to tell her her boyfriend was cheating, I said nothing to her. A few months later she somehow found out (I think it was from a message from his phone, don’t know and I suppose it doesn’t matter) that he was screwing around and confronted him, and he asked her why she hadn’t said anything about it earlier, since he figured she would have known for months after I told her I’d seen them. When she found out that I knew and had said nothing, she turned on me again, saying that if I was a good friend I would have told her and stopped her from being hurt etc. This time I decided to cut contact.

Now, just after the same apology/tentative friendship renewal as last time (8 months or so after the previous incident) I have heard from a mutual (and reliable) friend that boyfriend number 3 is also sleeping with someone else. At this point I am not sure what to do. Should I say anything, or keep silent? If I say something, what words do I use? I kind of feel like I’m in a no-win situation as she will hate me either way. I get that her relationship isn’t any of my business, but at the same time, if I had a boyfriend and he was cheating on me, I’d want to know about it.

This isn’t the first time she’s cracked it at me for something that wasn’t my fault, and she always comes crawling back a few months later, saying how sorry she was for the way she treated me, but she still keeps repeating the same behaviour. I just feel like I am being used as her emotional punching bag, and though we were close friends through high school, I am starting to wonder if the friendship is even worth maintaining.

Thanks for your help,

Catch-22 (aka Always in the Wrong Place at the Wrong Time)

Dear Catch 22:

What if you asked the mutual friend (the one who told you the information) to tell Jane directly what’s up? Probably enough time has gone by since you first heard (this question has been sitting in the old inbox for a bit) that this option has gathered as much awkwardness as all other options, but if this ever happens again, keep it in mind. Script: “Whoa, that’s heavy news. Do you think you should say something to her?” “What do you think you‘ll do?” I put emphasis on the “you”  in the scripts as a reminder not to let it turn into a forced teaming situation where now that it’s shared it’s a joint problem or let the mutual friend assume you’ll handle it now.

Honestly, I think you have enough of a track record with Jane around this topic that you get to decide to make her boyfriends and their cheating ways into Firmly Not Your Business. Since your information is secondhand anyway, I think you get to treat it like it doesn’t exist unless you witness something with your own eyes. It doesn’t make you the world’s awesomest friend, but maybe it’s time to categorize her as “a small doses friend, someone it is nice to run into periodically at parties” and keep deep talks or personal subjects out of it as much as possible. You don’t have to cut people off forever after an unpleasant interaction, but it’s good to know what they’re capable of and set your expectations and boundaries accordingly.

Say you do witness something, and you do know for sure that your friend has an expectation of monogamy and such behavior would not be cool with her.

If you know the cheater, one thing you can do is speak directly to them. “Hey, I wish I could unsee that, but I can’t, and I won’t keep your secret or lie to my friend about it. Unfuck your shit, bro.” (By the way, that one dude you saw kissing & flirting at the mall was a master of deflection and manipulation when he brought you into that conversation and blamed her lack of knowledge of what he was up to on you. Bravo, Darth! I hope no lady ever touches your special parts again.)

If you end up telling your friend, try, “I wish I could unsee what I saw, but I can’t. I saw ________ (what you saw). I told him directly that I was not going to keep secrets from you. Let me know how I can be supportive.”

It’s not cool for Jane to take things out on you the way she has been. I think you are correct that your friendship cannot survive any more travels through the cycle of blame and apologies. If she tries to use you as her emotional punching bag again, bail. And if she comes back and apologizes, it’s more than okay to say “Hey, let’s not do this again. Sometimes a friendship just runs its course as people grow and move on, and it’s time to let this one go.“

P.S. Poor Jane. Those are some gross, untrustworthy dudes and I really feel for her. It sounds like she’s pretty jealous and insecure in the way she treats you, but one thing that makes a person jealous and insecure is CONSTANT JERKY CHEATING BY PEOPLE YOU TRUST.

Dear Captain & Co.,

I’m in a wonderful relationship, but we’ve got a Darth Vader ex-girlfriend lurking on the sidelines. When we first started dating she behaved horribly: showing up on his lawn screaming suicide threats when she found out I was over, harassing him for months, hacking his email to get my phone number to send me threatening messages, etc. She backed off after he threatened to get a restraining order.

BF left a lot of his things at their apartment. He couldn’t face making a second trip to get everything when he initially left, and then was too afraid to ask her to send it to him. He was also just trying to get his life back together, as you do after escaping an abusive relationship. Then the whole mess above happened.

He’s joked that losing that stuff was a fair price to pay to get away from her. But lately it’s clear he wants it back. (He also has a narcissistic mother who’s gotten rid of a lot of his belongings without his permission, so I think a lot of it is about gaining control over his property and life.) The stuff in Darth’s possession is mostly memorabilia and collector’s items. We’re pretty sure she still has them because she latched on to his interests during their long-term relationship. But we are both at a loss about how to approach her about it.

Their relationship was extremely toxic. Darth has Borderline Personality Disorder. I hope she’s gotten help, but the Darth my BF knew was volatile, argumentative, irrational, manipulative, and occasionally violent. He is extremely wary about contacting her. We don’t want to trigger her or become a renewed target, especially since we’ll be at the same smallish convention in a few months. Because of her BPD, she probably still views herself as the abandoned victim. Six months ago we saw her at a concert and the way she reacted made it clear she wasn’t over him. According to the grapevine, her current boyfriend is an emotional prop she openly resents, so it’s possible she’s not over him even now. Contacting her might end up being fine… or it might make her act out in any number of ways.

What should we do? Any scripts or advice on enforcing boundaries, minimizing contact, and controlling possible fallout when attempting something like this would be really appreciated. BF doesn’t want trouble … he just wants his things back.

Is the value of the stuff such that it would be worth hiring a lawyer to deal with the entire thing from beginning to end, from sending the request to potentially taking her to court if she doesn’t comply to actually picking up the stuff? Like, it’s $50,000 worth of stuff and you think it would take $10,000 of lawyering to get it back, and you have the $10,000 lying around and you also have a free year of your life to spend on this problem?

Because my recommendation is: Buy new stuff.

You already know all the reasonable scripts. They go like this: “Hello, Ex, I hope you are doing well. Can I Paypal you some $ and have you ship me my stuff that’s still at your house? Send it to work, here’s the address. Great, thanks.“

But you have ample, AMPLE proof that reasonable requests do not get reasonable responses.  You have successfully gotten this person out of your lives after a long and harrowing nightmare. To quote Gavin De Becker:

 ”Any time you reward harassing or stalking with attention — even negative attention – you buy yourself six more weeks of stalking.” – The Gift of Fear

The stuff your boyfriend’s mother got rid of is gone (and is not really his ex’s fault or problem – recovering one won’t make up for the loss of the other). My honest recommendation, for the sake of everyone’s safety, treat the stuff that’s still at the ex’s house as if it is gone forever too.

It is completely unfair. Your boyfriend should be able to ask for his stuff back and have the expectation of receiving it. He also should have been able to end the relationship without months of stalking behavior. I don’t think we talk about the financial burdens of ending abusive relationships or evading stalker behavior enough, especially in the “But you could just leave!” rhetoric around abusive situations. “Leave that person! In exchange, become homeless and lose everything you own, forever. Come on, what are you waiting for?” I wish renter’s insurance policies covered the eventuality, or there were some apparatus for recovering funds & property lost to abusers.

And yet, you guys have enough information to know that “fair” and “reality” are incongruent here. You’re the one writing the letter, and you were also a victim of the stalking, so you get a say here, even if that say is “I am so sorry that you lost your stuff, but I am not willing to risk further contact with Darth to get it back.“

Boyfriend, if you’re reading this, I don’t want to trivialize the trauma of losing stuff…twice…to abusive people. I totally get the temptation to get your things back from her and to win. Unfortunately, in her mind, she wins anytime you pay any attention to her. Coming after her now shows her she’s still on your mind, and that she still has power over you. It is 100% unfair and wrong, and I am so, so sorry. I hope you have a safe place you can work out some of these feelings. The Gift of Fear might be a good read for you right now.

This post is behind a cut due to intense discussion of sexual violence and stalking behavior.

Oh Captain, My Captain!

I was in an abusive relationship with a man who raped me multiple times. This was about three years ago, and for awhile I was on track with the healing process.

In the meantime, I was in a relationship with a different, sort-of nicer man for a year and a half, ending in late August/early September. Early on in our relationship, he found out that I had been raped. He had a freakout, etc etc, and we never really resolved the resulting issues.

After I managed to leave him, I went underground in the hopes of getting some space. He harassed me via social media and text for awhile, but lately he’s been in therapy and started leaving me alone.

Until yesterday, when he texted me. Long story short, he told me his therapist advised him to get closure by reporting to the authorities what he knows about me, because he has ptsd from dating me, because he has such strong convictions against abuse.

I don’t want him to do that. I really, really do not want that. I spent last night with my best friend having nonstop panic attacks while I explained to her what was going on. But he won’t listen to me; he says it’s HIS story he’s reporting, not mine.

I don’t know what to do. How can I stop him? I’ve told him he can’t, I’ve pleaded with him not to, I’ve asked him to tell his therapist I’m against it and talk it over again, I’ve given ground and said Talk about the harassment all you want, just don’t report the abuse.

How can I stop him? I’m breaking down.

-Panicked

Dear Panicked:

I do not know how to foil Ex #2′s plans to contact the cops about Ex #1, but I do have some general advice and I bet the readers here will also be able to offer information and support.

Here are some suggestions. I’ve numbered them for my own clarity, not because they should happen in this exact order. 

Step 1: Please stop responding to Ex #2 at all and block/filter & document all his communications to you. This is just another iteration of his stalking, harassing behavior from before. You successfully got away from him and stopped giving him your attention, so he found a surefire way to get your attention in the most horrible, violating, making-your-trauma-all-about-him fashion that has you responding multiple times and begging him to do something. You had a physically abusive ex, you HAVE a stalker. Let this be your mantra as you navigate what comes your way.

For the record, I seriously doubt his therapist (if there is even a therapist at this point) is advising him in this course of action. How will it create “closure” to throw a giant wrecking ball at your life? He doesn’t want closure. Closure would be anonymously donating a shitload of money to a domestic violence organization and leaving you in peace like you asked him to while he works out his own issues by himself.

Step 2: Call your local rape crisis center or hotline and talk this all through with someone, especially the legalities involved. What grounds do you have to insist that after successfully getting Ex #1 out of your life, the last thing you want to do is be involved in any kind of legal investigation that might bring him back into your orbit? Is his reporting of a three-year-old crime that didn’t happen to him against your wishes going to even have any effect or sway at all?

If you’re going to be panicked, you might as well be *informed* and panicked.

Step 3: IF you involve law enforcement or law enforcement comes calling, the problem to put on their plate is “I cut off contact with an ex, who has now emerged out of the blue and is threatening to reveal some very sensitive, private information about me over my fierce objections. Do you have any suggestions for how to avoid this? Can we document this harassment in case it escalates in some way?”

Only do this with advice of trained folks, but at the end of the day, you may just have to call his bluff. “I really don’t want you to do this, but what I really want is for you to leave me alone. Since this is about “closure” for you, there should be no reason for you to contact me again for any reason.” Say it once, then don’t respond to anything from him.

Step 4: Gather Team You and take evasive, protective action. Since you’ve successfully escaped two abusive relationships I imagine you are troublingly familiar with some of these tips, but I list them again here for a reason.

Ex #1 used actual physical violence to manipulate and control you. But Ex #2 is also trying to manipulate you and control you, and I think it is worth treating him as an equal threat to your safety and peace of mind. When you boil it down, Ex #2 would rather ignore your stated wishes than trust you to control your own destiny, including how you handle an abusive past AND whether you’d like to have him in your life at all at this point. He reframed what someone else did to you as something that was all about him – HIS story, HIS PTSD, HIS need for “closure.” When you told him about it, he “freaked out” and made it the most significant thing about you or the relationship. This is the opposite of caring or empowering. This is the opposite of safe.

He would probably be horrified if you told him this, because this White Knighting display is so he can differentiate himself from That Guy in your eyes. He thinks the comparison between him and Ex #1 is favorable, which is why he’s working so hard to keep the story of Ex #1 alive for you. When you’re getting your sense of self-worth from “Well, at least I didn’t rape you” and “Look, I got you to pay attention to me again! Terrified attention is better than no attention, right?” you are one seriously fucked up dude.

Actually, “fucked up” is too generous. It is downright uncanny how he found the single most terrifying thing in your life to use as his hook to bait you with. To get your attention and be in your life, he is willing to dredge up the worst thing that ever happened to you and use it as a signal flare. I would not ascribe ANY goodheartedness or good will to him. Resist the temptation to pity him or tell yourself he’s not that bad.  Pity is for later, when he’s gone.

So:

• Tell your close friends what is going on and ask them to be vigilant and act as a buffer where possible.
• If you live alone, maybe stay with someone or have someone stay with you if it will make you feel safer.
• What’s security like where you live? Is it time to have the “Please don’t buzz people in if you’re not expecting anyone” talk with your neighbors? This is stressful and unfair, and maybe something a friend can help you with.
• When you talk to the crisis center or police, see what they suggest telling your workplace or school, if anything. You want to make sure no one is giving out information about your whereabouts or schedule. Again, this is stressful and unfair. If you have a coworker you are close to, maybe ask them to go to HR with you. Sometimes just having someone by your side who believes you and can speak up if you get emotional can help.
• Get a new cell phone number and give it out only to a small number of trusted people and ask them not to share it with anyone without checking with you first. But keep the old one active for now, including a texting plan – see if you can make it active as a Google Voice number or on a burner phone. Give the old phone/phone with the old # to a friend or family member for safekeeping. The logic here is that Ex #2 can text you or leave messages to his heart’s content. You have a record of them while also having a buffer against having to deal with them.
• Readers: What else would you suggest?

Finally, repeat after me:

“I do not deserve to be treated like this. I didn’t deserve the abuse when it happened, and I don’t deserve having some loser that I dumped putting all of his issues on me in some pathetic bid for my attention. Right now I am scared (rightly so) at the prospect of reliving the things I survived and weary (rightly so) at the unfairness of the financial, emotional, and social costs of insulating my life against his incursions. But I have defeated monsters before, I will defeat them again, and however this all shakes out, I will shine with the fierceness of 10,000 Beyoncés.“

You will have a lot of people pulling for you, dear Panicked, and this is one of those times that we’d definitely like an update as time goes on if you’re up for it.

Much love from me & the Awkwardeers.

Dear Captain Awkward:

My 27 year old son has been in a relationship with his girlfriend for about 18 months. He was living with a friend until a couple months ago, when he and his girlfriend moved to an apartment. Before the move, his friend came to see my husband and I to talk about the situation. He said that the girlfriend is a total loser and the two of them fight constantly. He said many of their friends can’t stand her, and that the two of them drink and smoke weed, i.e. enable each other’s recreational drug use. They are both broke most of the time, although they work full time at low level jobs. My son was barely able to cover living expenses before, and asked us for financial help from time to time. When we heard about his plans to move in with her, we were not happy but came to grips with the situation, accepting the fact he is an adult and has to make his own decisions. Since then, we have stopped all flow of cash to him, hoping the living situation and the relationship will eventually fall apart and he will start over.

We do not want the girlfriend attending all our family gatherings. It’s too stressful for me to converse with her because I feel she is a terrible influence on him. The problem is, she’s manipulative and puts on a very phony act around us. I see right through her, as my son can also be that way. I can see how they feed off each other and it drives me crazy. She seems to rule his life and is very self centered. I’ve wondered if there is some sex addiction going on, because for the life of me I can’t understand his attraction to her otherwise. I just see a toxic relationship, like his friend told us.

I am struggling with how to handle a family gathering at Christmas. She was with us at Thanksgiving and that was too much for me. Should we tell him it’s family only, or should I just decline to attend????

Your letter hit me in a very personal place, so I’m going to tell you some true stories from inside a family where a) an adult child was struggling to find himself in his 20s and b) took up with a partner who was, on her best day, grating as hell.

The parents in this case made financial support conditional (If you move in with her, we are cutting you off financially) and designated certain events “Family Only” (family = lawfully wedded spouses) so they would not have to deal with this person. Who, like your sons’s girlfriend, was not violent or larcenous, just seemed like a bad fit for my brother with an extra helping of  Just Not Our Kind, Dear – “loud,” “uneducated,” “Will she want to bring her kid?” (She’d been a teen mom, which in my family was pretty much the Worst Thing You Could Be).

One possible risk they ran with their Family Only stance is that my brother would call their bluff and marry her. The other thing they risked is what happened: My brother did not come to family events for something like five years. Even after that relationship ended, he felt unwelcome in a place that his choice of partner had not been welcome. I’m not sure things have ever fully healed there or if he has forgiven them.

My boyfriend and my parents get on, fortunately, though I know they would be happier if both of us had higher-paying jobs (Dude, us too!) and had undergone a ceremony before combining households. But if I got ONE WHIFF of “He is not welcome” from them, it is not him I would be cutting ties with.

If you make it clear that she is not welcome, you are telling him he is not welcome. And while there is no obligation to support an adult child financially, if you make your support conditional on his romantic choices, you are telling him “There are conditions to my love and support.” I know, I know, you are hoping to send a “strong” message so that he will realize she is awful and break up with her. But are you okay with him breaking up with you?

Real Talk: Your son is hardly the only young person struggling financially in this economy or recreationally using alcohol and pot at the end of the day of “low level” jobs. He was struggling financially before he met this lady; she didn’t cause that. And he was almost certainly experimenting with substances before he met her. I feel a lot of general disapproval radiating from you about your son’s lifestyle, so I want you to ask yourself: Am I scapegoating this lady for my disappointment in my son and how his life is going?

You don’t have to answer, but sit with that question for a while.

I believe you that she is a chore to be around, I really do. I believe you when you say the dynamic between them is toxic and they don’t bring out good things in each other. I have so much sympathy for your difficulty in watching your son choose someone who maybe doesn’t treat him very well.  You definitely do not have to like her, approve of her, or want her in your son’s life.

This old post about the Darth Vader partner might be helpful, or at least help you know that others can commiserate. Short version: Your son is getting something out of this relationship that you can’t see, and yeah, possibly a sex thing as you identified. Fun to think about, I’m sure! If she is emotionally abusive/manipulative, she will expertly use your criticisms of her to drive a wedge between you and your son. It’s totally crappy and feels like a can’t-win situation, but what happens between them is 100% out of your control.

I do not think disinviting her from holiday/family events is the answer. It will drive your son away when, if this is really a bad situation, he needs you most.

If you really can’t face spending Christmas with her? Call in sick to Christmas. Don’t make a big show of not going because she will be there, just, on the day, give yourself a break from dealing with her and don’t be there. I value honesty, but the socially convenient lie has its place in no-win situations like this. Treat not going as self-care (vs. making a huge point about your disapproval of your son’s girlfriend).

Thereafter, try to schedule time with them in small doses. If you usually invite them over, maybe try inviting them out somewhere to dinner or the movies, which has a sort of set beginning & end time. During those small doses times, summon every shred of good manners you have and treat her with basic courtesy. Try to imagine she is some random coworker you just met and are not sure you click with, but you have to get through this work lunch and keep good relations somehow. When she says something really awkward, try telling yourself this: “She probably feels just as uncomfortable as I do and is trying way too hard as a result.“ Because yeah, she knows you don’t like her. You don’t want to be the Mother-In-Law in this letter. Girlfriend’s either invited (and treated like a guest) or not invited, she’s not invited-but-shunned to her face. 

What I suggest for everyone who has a difficult person they must routinely deal with: Find 2-3 safe topics of conversation, like, a TV show or sport you both watch. Conversation gets uncomfortable? “How ’bout them (Sports Team)?” “Are you caught up on Scandal?”  “What is your favorite Olympic sport?”  both provides a safe change of subject AND gives you something to maybe have positive interactions about.

Also, schedule time with just your son, and when you see him, resist the urge to tell him all of your worries. Resist the urge to give advice. Instead, ask questions. And ask real questions, not Judgy Parent Interrogation Questions. You have your son’s former roommate’s perspective on what’s going on, but do even you know your son’s point of view? Maybe your worries have also crossed his mind.

Good:

• How are you?
• How is the new place?
• How is your job?
• It sounds like you are enjoying ______! What do you like most about it?
• How did you get interested in _______?
• You and (girlfriend) seem pretty serious. What’s your favorite thing about her?
• Is living together what you thought it would be like? I know when your dad and I moved in together, we had x hilarious problem going on.

Bad:

• When are you going to get a “real” job?
• How long exactly do you plan to do x (drink, smoke pot, live with this harpy)?
• Do you think that’s really a long-term plan?
• Your friend told us x, y, and z about you. Is that true?
• Have you tried ___? Have you tried _____? Well, if you want my advice, you’ll ______.

Ask questions and really, really listen to the answers. I’m sure you love your son, but he needs to know that you like him. If your son feels like you are genuinely interested and caring about who he is now (imperfect girlfriend, “low level” job, and all) vs. who you think he should be or hope he will be, he will feel safe to come to you when he needs help with the truly hard stuff. If he opens up to you about troubles in the relationship or asks whether you like her, be honest, but keep the conversation focused on his agency. “She is not who I would have chosen for you, because I’ve seen times when she is not very nice to you. But what you think is the most important thing. Is there something about how you work together I’m not seeing? If bad things stay bad, what do you think you’ll do?” 

At a certain point, parental disapproval and disappointment just plain stop working as a motivational tool for adult children. Well, they are motivating….in motivating your kids to avoid & dread your company. Or to create a selective portrait of their lives for you that shows only their successes, because they don’t feel safe around you when they struggle. The parent’s fallacy is “If I don’t show my disapproval of x thing, they will think it’s okay and keep doing it.” The thing is, your kids already have a good idea of what you will and won’t approve of, and they do think about it and care about it. But questions like “Who do I love?” and “Where do I live?” and “What work will I do?” are fundamentally and primally not your decision to make. If you decide that you’ll weigh in on such topics only when asked, I think you greatly increase the likelihood that you’ll be asked.

I sometimes struggle with how much to write about my family stuff in public places, because I know my parents love me and we have come a long way from where we once were. It’s a fragile peace, and I don’t want to destroy it by dwelling too much on the past. But in my 20s, I struggled mightily to find my way.  I chose the wrong career after college, and was successful but miserable in it. I had a mental illness that manifested in my late teens but didn’t get diagnosed or treated until I was 27. I dated some sketchy dudes and made some questionable decisions. I can understand why my parents saw me during those years and struggled to reconcile that person with the straight A student who had left home for expensive prestigious college, because what was happening did not have the sweet, sweet smell of success.

During that whole time, my relationship with my parents completely fractured. From their perspective, I was being deliberately irresponsible. From my perspective, it was because all of our interactions were about comparing Current Me to Past, Successful Me or Presumed Future Me, Who Will Surely Be More Successful Than This, Right? They were all about advising and fixing and motivating and shaping. They were all about “but you had so much potential!” and “Is THAT what you’re wearing?“

During that time, I don’t feel like they ever asked me a single question that didn’t have a “Let’s fix you!” agenda behind it. And I don’t feel like they liked me, or saw me, or knew what was actually important to me, or that I could be honest with them about any of that stuff. When I met with some truly scary situations, they were not who I called, because the message I’d gotten was “We don’t like you when you fail or struggle.” And I feel like my brother’s experience was much the same; “These people love me, but they are only interested in fixing me, not knowing me.“

As a side note on “low level” jobs: My parents too expressed scorn at the series of temp jobs I had when I first moved to Chicago. They were beneath me, in their opinion. The economy was in recession then, not as bad as it is now, but the job market was rough and I had moved to a new city for an opportunity that fell through on arrival.  To them, it looked like I was choosing “low level” jobs over some theoretical awesome high-paid career that my fancy education entitled me to. For me, those jobs were putting food on my table and I literally could not afford to be ashamed of them. They meant: food, shelter, independence, dignity, survival. A starting point in a new place. Your son is working, in a time when many people who want to be working are not. He is trying his best to live independently. I would resist strongly attaching any moral value to the “level” of such work. Sarah Kendzior is one of the best writers about the job market for young people right now, and I can’t recommend her work enough. And this Dear Sugar piece is also near and dear to me:

“You don’t have to get a job that makes others feel comfortable about what they perceive as your success. You don’t have to explain what you plan to do with your life. You don’t have to justify your education by demonstrating its financial rewards. You don’t have to maintain an impeccable credit score. Anyone who expects you to do any of those things has no sense of history or economics or science or the arts.

You have to pay your own electric bill. You have to be kind. You have to give it all you got. You have to find people who love you truly and love them back with the same truth.

But that’s all.”

You may hate your son’s girlfriend, and you may hate many of his choices, and he may frankly be hard to like right now. And for so long your job was to help him, to advise him, to guide him and protect him. I’m not a parent, but I can see how hard it must be to let that instinct go, especially when you smell trouble. It is not wrong for you to want to prevent your son from making a terrible mistake, or protect him from an unkind and manipulative person. But this is my Christmas plea to you:

This Christmas, let go of the idea that you can change anything about your son’s situation, and just try to like him. Listen to him. Hug him. Let you know how special he is to you. Find something to praise about him. Let him know you’re glad to see him. Ask him questions and listen to the answers without commenting on them or offering advice. If he is in fact with a toxic partner who doesn’t respect him, this is the very best antidote you can supply.

“Okay, Montezuma, we can have embassies in each other’s capitals, and I will trade incense for whales, but an Open Borders treaty? That’s just gullible.”

Dear Captain,

How obligated are we to try and forgive our friend’s significant others for the harm they have caused in the past?

To make a long story short, my friend A started dating person B.  I wasn’t wild about B, but I wasn’t the one dating him, and our casual interactions initially seemed fine, so I didn’t worry about it.

However, it soon became clear that B had some unaddressed emotional issues, and they were taking them out on my friend, and eventually on the rest of our circle (we were accused of alienating A from B, of monopolizing A’s time, and eventually, even of cheating on B with A).  It was like B read your article on Darth Vader boyfriends but thought it was a how-to.  Needless to say, we were angry for our friend and angry on our own behalves.  Most of us wanted A to dump B, but A was not willing to end the relationship without trying to save it, and instead worked very hard to get B into therapy.  We did our best to support A in this time, but it was very hard to see how much pain B was causing her.

Now, B seems to have gotten some help, and B and A are working on rebuilding their relationship.  A very much wants to bring B back into the social circle, but this is causing problems.  I know I am not the only one of A’s friends who resents B after all of this.  I am also mad at B for the way that B treated me and our other friends.  A says she has forgiven him, and wants us to forgive him too, but I don’t know that I’m ready to do it now, and honestly I’m not sure I will ever be.

Do you and the army have any suggestions for how I can handle the issue of reintegrating B?  I don’t really want to hang around with B, and though I am trying to plan occasions to hang out with A alone, I know that it isn’t possible to totally avoid B so long as they are a couple.

Thanks,

Trying To Make The Best Of It

“Alexander, good to see you, bro! Yes, let’s by all means make a Joint Declaration of Friendship I Mean I’m Coming To Surround Your City With Hoplites in 5 Turns!”

Dear Trying:

We talked the other day about how forgiveness can be a trap, but there was a great discussion in the comments about how to move on with someone after a breach of trust. Thanks for this question, because it gives us a way to talk about how to normalize relations at the social group level.

You are not obligated to ever forgive B or welcome him into your social circle. You can always privately think he is a shithead. But for A.’s sake, you maybe have some obligations to treat him with “arms-length acquaintance politeness” at social events and not dig up old dirt.

In my opinion, if B. treated you badly, and he wants to be allowed in your house/movie excursion/karaoke night, he needs to acknowledge that there is a reason you don’t like him and might not want him around. Right now this is all being handled transitively by A., who understandably wants to minimize past bad stuff and not bring it into the present, but a little direct communication between you and B. might not be the worst thing in the world.

What that exchange could look like, in the movie version of this, is B saying:

“Trying, I did not treat you or your friend well, and I know that there is a reason you don’t like or trust me. I am very, very sorry about how I behaved, and I am working hard to make it right.”

And then you saying to B.:

“I appreciate the apology. I don’t think you and I are ever going to be best friends, but I can hang at games night/bowling league/pub quiz for A’s sake if you can.” 

“Let’s be peaceful cooperative neighbors for 6,000 years and then I’ll nuke you out of the blue. Cool?”

That’s not gonna happen spontaneously, so maybe you can work it out with A. Like so:

• Ask A. how she’d like you to handle it to get a sense of what her expectations are.
• If B. needs to apologize (and you will be watching to see if he makes it a real apology or an “all about me & my issues” Darthpology), keep the discussion about stuff between him and you vs. stuff within their relationship.
• Let her know you’re willing to deal with B. being around some:as long as he’s not underfoot all the time and you get to see her alone, too. The less time you actually have to spend with him, especially initially, the better you will be at greeting him neutrally when you do see him.
• He doesn’t need to charm you or sell you. “Don’t treat my friend like crap” + “Make occasional polite small talk” + “Time” will get this done way better than a charm offensive. Montezuma & Alexander always make a big show of this in the early parts of Civ…right before they surround your cities with troops. It’s sketchy behavior. Don’t fall for it or tolerate it.
• You promise not to pick arguments or bring up old news or dissect all of his behavior for reasons to hate him.
• However, she is not to pressure you to like him or be close to him in any way, and if he reverts to old behaviors you have the right to kick him out of your space or cut the night short.

With a little time, if everyone behaves themselves, perhaps relations will thaw. That’s the best you can offer right now – you’re open to seeing if he really has changed, and you want to support her, but you need some acknowledgement from him of wrongdoing and a little negotiation about how things will work, because “Following my friend’s example, I welcome the new, reformed you back with open arms!” is not a realistic scenario.

I suspect A. is working very hard to be the buffer and vouch for him. This is a common characteristic of Darths, making the partner have to be the ambassador/apologist (“There’s good in him, I’ve felt it!”) with other people. Darths are good at setting it up so that you can’t really freeze them out without punishing your friend, too. They are good at choosing kind people who want to smooth things over and then taking advantage of that kindness to facilitate their Darthy Ways. So being this direct about what you need and having some conversation where you and B. very bluntly work out how things are gonna be without A. translating is gonna probably terrify her, depending on how much she trusts that B. is reformed.

It’s actually pretty relaxing to deal with someone without the pretense that you like each other.

But believe me, if he has changed, having a little structure around how to acknowledge and deal with that is not the worst thing in the world. Darths are all about hints. This takes the responsibility off of A.’s shoulders to manage every little interaction, gives B. some clear guidelines about what he can do to show that he is serious (and let him know that he cannot manipulate his way back into being welcome, so he best come correct), and protects your boundaries in the meantime. Maybe think of it as lancing a boil of awkwardness; if you get it all out you can deal with it and actually move on, where if you skip to the “Oh sure, welcome back! Where have you been these last months when you were persona non grata, let’s pretend it was a cool sabbatical?!?” part while your loathing is still festering under there it’s just gonna erupt again. There are a few people on the earth who I actually like *more* for the fact that we know that we don’t like each other and give each other a wide, respectful berth.

If a personal apology from B. is not possible or is a bad idea for whatever reason, then tell A. – “I promise to reset B. to arms-length acquaintance level social relations, as in, if he comes to something as your guest I will treat him like a guest and give him an opportunity to show that he can hang. I won’t bring up uncomfortable topics or give him tons of side-eye. That’s the best I can do for now.”

You will *treat* him like a guest. You feel inside however you want. You don’t have to forgive, and even if you manage to forgive, you don’t have to forget or relax around this dude. We are complex and can contain two disparate thoughts, like “I hope you’ve really straightened up and will be a good partner for my friend and try to deserve her belief in you” and “I hope my friend dumps your ass and I never have to see your wretched face again,” at the same time. The Jedi Mind Trick is to let yourself feel the second fully in private so that you can behave as if the first were true in public.

Edited To Add: It’s time for the twice-a-year Captain Awkward Dot Com Pledge Drive, where I ask for donations to keep the blog going. If like what you read here and you can kick a few dollars our way, I’d be forever grateful! 

We haven’t had a gif party or a “Yo, maybe you are way cooler than that person you are dating” thread in a while, so, here you go.

Dear Captain Awkward:

My partner of 5 years moved 200 miles away last week for a job. I’m sad he’s gone and I’m missing him, but I really support what he’s doing —  he was having a hard and stressful time finding work in his field in our city and has been unhappy for some time. We agreed that, for now, we want to keep our relationship exclusive and revisit that decision in a few months. 

On Saturday, I went to the corner store and one of the workers — I’ve seen him many times, but we’ve never really talked — initiated a conversation with me. I felt a little forced into it (“Hi there, lady who never talks to me when she comes in to buy cigarettes”) but he’s a part of my neighborhood and I wanted to be polite. He turned out to be a big talker and amusing storyteller, and we had a 15-minute conversation about his family, his country, and so on. Very innocuous and kind of sweet; I tend to be reserved and don’t necessarily get to know people I see daily. He asked about my partner, and I told him that he’d moved.

A sad, disheveled man saying cruel things…totally hot, amirite?

As I left, I tried to dial my partner’s number to tell him that the corner store guy had asked about him and that I had actually had a conversation with someone in my neighborhood. I was feeling pretty good, and also relieved that the conversation hadn’t gone in an awkward direction. I realized that I had butt- (or face-) dialled my partner at some point, and thought that I had just left a long, boring message on his voice mail. I hung up and called him back, and his voice was shaking with rage when he answered. He had been listening in on the conversation the entire time. He accused me of being with another man, a mutual friend of ours who was in town and had gotten in touch with me about getting together (this friend has made his attraction for me clear in the past, so I had opted to not get together with him without my partner). When I told him that I had been talking to the corner store guy, he didn’t believe me and said that he heard the whole conversation and clearly heard our friend’s voice. I explained that it was, indeed, the guy from the store, and he then demanded to know why I spent 15 minutes talking to him, as if there’s something wrong with that. I was too amazed to be mad, so I responded pretty patiently and tried to reassure him that everything was OK.

He then hung up and refused to talk to me about the incident. He said that I told him “my truth” but that he didn’t believe me, in the end, and that he didn’t have the emotional energy to deal with this and didn’t want to talk about it. I couldn’t believe it – I was gobsmacked.   

I’m at a loss.  

My partner is a big talker who could easily chat with a stranger for 15 minutes. I had told him our friend called and didn’t plan to see him. I don’t see anything wrong with anything I said, and there was nothing remotely flirtatious that could have stung to overhear — and he refuses to tell me what about the conversation bothered him so much.

How can I open this topic with him and deal with this in a mature way? It really bothers me to think that he thinks I’m lying blatantly to him, only a week after I left him with a promise to see him in a couple of weeks. It bothers me that, had I decided to see our friend, he would consider it a betrayal because this friend has the hots for me. It bothers me that he’s putting some type of arbitrary limits on how long a conversation should be before it becomes evidence of something else. We’ve had some issues with trust in the past – he’s thought that I’ve been lying to him when I haven’t been – but we’ve been stable for a long time now.

Hello, and thanks for your question.

My reaction to the part of the story where “15 minutes is too long to talk to someone” and your romantic partner thinks he gets to judge or proscribe anything about your routine social interactions was:

And the thing where he called your explanation “your” truth as a way to dismiss it?

Okay, in the most empathetic light I am capable of here: Say your partner has a history of jealousy and insecurity. Say things are not going too well in New City. Say that the agreements you made re: exclusivity feel extra-fragile and not realistic right now, and he suspects your heart was not in such an agreement. Say he’s generally feeling crappy and nervous and jealous, and the thought of that mutual friend who likes you was gnawing at the corner of his mind. Say he overreacts and takes it out on you.

That might be somewhat ….I won’t say forgivable, let’s call it “imaginable” or “navigable”… if he were to apologize to you for calling you a liar, and if he were to back way off on future attempts to control you. “I am so sorry about the other day, I was being a jerk.”

Might. Maybe.

Absent that, what the hell are you supposed to do here? How are you supposed to fix something when you didn’t do anything wrong, and the “problem” is completely manufactured by your partner’s projections? There really isn’t anything you can do to make this right, because it’s not on you to make this right. You asked for a way to discuss this maturely, but that’s pretty hard when the other person has taken all their marbles home. Accusations like this from jealous and controlling dudes basically translate as “I am having negative feelings that I don’t like, so I will make them all your fault and make sure you have negative feelings, too.”  And it’s working, because you are the one who is worried about how you can work this out, when really, you’re not the one with ground to make up here.

In your shoes, I do not know that I would be reaching out to him at all. He’s the one who shut down conversation, so isn’t it kind of on him to open it back up? What if you didn’t contact him and waited for him to seek you out? My prediction is that he will sulk for a few days and then, if he reaches out, he will magnanimously pretend to have forgiven you or try to breeze by it like nothing happened. It’s part of the cycle, him hoping that you won’t want to rock the boat by revisiting the uncomfortable topic and that you’ll be in a mood to “make it up” to him.

 

To which you might say:

“I’m still very bothered by our conversation the other day. Accusing me of lying was really out of line, and you actually don’t have a say over how long I converse with someone. I’d like an apology.”

If for some reason he does want to accuse you of lying some more, how’s this for a script?

“Where the hell is this all coming from? Please. Explain.”

Another script:

“If you need reassurance about my feelings & commitment, you can ask for that and I can do what I can to give it. If you need us to revisit the arrangement we made about exclusivity, I’m happy to talk it through. But I can’t hang with you ‘shaking with rage’ because I talked to a man-shaped person for a few minutes. I need to know that you see how very over the line that is, and that I’m not the one who needs to apologize or work to make this right.“

Internet, please help me find what video this is from so I can watch it over and over again.

If the next words out of his mouth aren’t some variation of “You’re right, I’m sorry…” it’s a sign that maybe it’s time to board the Nope Rocket. I mean, why would he even want to be with a lying liar who will cheat on him with a visiting friend, or, literally the first person she runs into at the corner store? You seem like a cool person who deserves way better than that. Maybe your butt was trying to save you when it dialed that number.

……

Winter Pledge Drive 2014, with its daily reminders about supporting the site, ends tomorrow! Thanks to everyone who has contributed so far. The contributions really make a difference in the life of this adjunct professor.

Hey, it’s me!

Comments are closed as of 2/9

Hi Captain,

I need your help. I don’t know if I’m in a shitty relationship or if bad things just keep happening to us. I’ve been dating a guy for eight months. We fell in love very quickly and very intensely. The first period was very happy but I quickly felt very insecure and anxious about our relationship. I have generalised anxiety disorder and am often irrationally anxious. It has led to numerous situations where I was deeply worried about an aspect of our relationship, felt like we had tried as much as possible to fix it, and ended up trying to break up; however he would always convince me that we hadn’t really tried and that he wanted another chance to do better.

He is a rationalist who is deeply against living by social norms and just sees them as defaults, and is “non-default” about pretty much everything including work path, values etc., as well as lifestyle including cooking (lives off takeaway so as not to spend time grocery shopping and cooking), cleaning (does not have much of a regular cleaning habit – I broke glass in his kitchen a month ago and he said I shouldn’t have to clean it up and it’s still there), sleeping (he has no regular sleep schedule and sleeps when he wants to. The kind of work that he does is largely from home with long deadlines. He ships a prescription anti-narcolepsy from overseas which allows him to stay awake for long stretches on little sleep – although he plans on giving this up soon). He also takes party drugs and for a while, was taking quite high amounts of MDMA on a weekly basis, which pretty much wiped him out the day or two after. I have always been uncomfortable around drugs, although he did not really know the extent of my discomfort, and I can’t take them myself due to mental health. He dropped back to once a month after I expressed concerns about escalation and he acknowledges that he has some susceptibility to addiction, although he is not currently dependent.“

One serious issue we had was that he gave me an STI. He had rationalised that he had a very limited risk of having an STI so despite my repeated requests and despite being informed that a previous partner had been infected, did not get tested. I was furious at his intellectual arrogance and the danger he had put us both in. I lost a week of unpaid time off work and my mum had to nurse me through my allergic reaction to the treatment. I told him I wanted to break up, but we ended up supporting each other through the treatment and ultimately decided to get back together and work things out.

We have had some more rough patches lately. After agreeing that he would party on New Years, he ended up sleeping and feeling rotten through most of my birthday on New Years’ Day, which felt pretty lonely for me. He has been very stressed at work and had some issues with a very serious eye infection, which means that any positive changes around cooking/cleaning etc. have understandably stopped. I supported him through the eye infection by taking more time off work to wait at the eye hospital with him for many afternoons. We then went away camping with some of his friends, some friends-of-friends and a couple of my friends. Most of them did drugs, including one less experienced girl who wound up with drug-induced psychosis. It was a five-day process to get her help and it was extremely upsetting and worrying for everyone involved, and I once again could not work for the period. The experience reinforced my dislike of drugs and desire to not be around drugs, and as someone with mental health issues, I was angry and upset that the girl’s mental health was being blamed more than the illegal drugs she had taken. I told him that the drugs were too high a price of admission for me and packed my bags.

We have since traded emails in which he first said he did not understand why I left him and thought that I was being dishonest about drugs being the true reason. Through his logical arguments he has forced me to see that I was being irrational about my attitude to drugs and that it is merely a personal preference I have not to be around them, rather than any objective issue with the drugs themselves. I felt like the whole arguing process was unpleasant and cold and hated it. When he explained the break-up over drugs to his best friend, the friend replied by saying he should not to try and argue people out of their emotions and boundaries. My boyfriend doesn’t see the problem – he thinks if someone is objectively right, they’re right, and emotions that correspond with that are the issue of the emotional person. He is also extremely strong-willed and intellectually well-backed-up and is not used to being challenged emotionally, so I don’t think he realises how unpleasant it can be. I’ve explained this explicitly now and he found the concept very hard to relate to.

It’s really hard for me to check in with friends and family about this too. They all hear only have to hear me mention drugs to tell me I’ve made the right choice by leaving him. My family has had bad history with drugs and my sister, who used to take party drugs and was badly affected, told me “You’ve already been through a lifetime’s worth when it comes to drugs – you don’t need to go through any more”.

We’re now in a position where he thinks I’ve made a mistake with the breakup, and that I did not adequately justify my reasons for ending it. I ended up seeing it from his perspective and apologising for being irrational and hurtful. I love him and that we do have a lot of good things including a great amount of love, affection, good humour, and generally understanding. He says he loves me more than he loves anyone, that he needs me, that we are good for each other, that he wants to be the one for me, that he wants to make it all work. Our plans had included travelling and ultimately living together. I ended up feeling like maybe breaking up with him over the drugs had been an anxiety response rather than something I really wanted to do. But I’m worried about this narrative; as I type it I can see that it sounds really unhealthy (he would say that “sounds really unhealthy” is weak reasoning). I feel like I’ve paid a lot of costs over the STI, drugs etc., including lost work time, stress, and in particular with the STI pain and possibly ongoing health concerns. I can’t turn off the part of my brain that says that someone who loves me as much of as they say wouldn’t hurt me in these big and small ways. We’ve discussed this; he says he feels he treats me well; and I guess that I am now consigning a lot of my worries to pure anxiety, which makes me feel like I can’t trust my emotional reactions and that I should work on my anxiety and ultimately stay. I don’t know if that’s the right thing for me to do. I don’t know if we truly do have a problematic dynamic (despite having amazing things shared between us) or if it’s just anxiety at play. Have we just had bad luck at points? I can’t tell if this all feels so weird because his lifestyle and approach is so ‘non-default’ or because I am being manipulated. I don’t know if my anxiety is protecting me, or causing the problems. I so hope you and the Awkward Army can help with insight and advice.

Sincerely,
Worried about my worry but also my maybe(?!)-dodgy relationship

Dear Worried:

I’m worried, too. I’m worried about you and I think you need to be away from this guy for your own peace of mind and safety.

This guy completely lost me as a cool enough partner for you at “stopped you from cleaning and subsequently did not clean broken glass off his kitchen floor” because he has to prove he’s more rational than stupid societal expectations by literally walking around literal broken glass on his actual floor. For how long must this experiment go on before it’s his own (completely rational, separate from the oppression of society’s cruel and boring expectations) decision to clean up the glass? 

And then I kept reading.

“Sure, bro, let’s hear your arguments! I’m sure they are all extremely cromulent.”

Let’s talk about the part where he “reasoned” himself around basic biology. If you’ve had partnered sex, and that partner has turned up with an STI, there is a non-zero chance that you also have an STI. Getting your ass to the clinic before you have sex with a new partner (or as soon as you find out) is your basic, human duty to others, and you frankly shouldn’t need “repeated requests” or any requests. STIs happen plenty without it being anyone’s fault or a reason to judge someone, but I judge him plenty for being so cavalier about a partner’s health when basically his arguments come down to “But I’m too lazy to actually find out.” And if he pressured you into having unprotected sex during this time? I will reach through through the internet with my mind and set him on actual fire. Being too lazy and self-involved to to to the clinic (or clean up pointy glass shards on the floor where you walk) and giving it a fancy title like “I’m just an extreme rationalist!” is a sign that this guy very, very far below you in basic adulting skills.

This part of your letter:

“We have since traded emails in which he first said he did not understand why I left him and thought that I was being dishonest about drugs being the true reason. Through his logical arguments he has forced me to see that I was being irrational about my attitude to drugs and that it is merely a personal preference I have not to be around them, rather than any objective issue with the drugs themselves. I felt like the whole arguing process was unpleasant and cold and hated it. When he explained the break-up over drugs to his best friend, the friend replied by saying he should not to try and argue people out of their emotions and boundaries. “

…makes me glad that the best friend spoke as they did, because they are 100% correct. So what if your decision was “irrational?” That doesn’t make it wrong. Breaking up is not a joint decision where one must prove one’s case beyond all doubt to the dumped party. You are allowed to give face-saving reasons. You are allowed to give no reasons beyond “I am breaking up with you.” When pushed on the issue of the drugs, you are allowed to say “You know what, you’re right, I was using that as a fig leaf. The issue isn’t so much drugs as it is you, and how I don’t want to be with you anymore. Farewell.” He could be the world’s most caring, drug free, glass-cleaning-up boyfriend and you would still get to leave him because your “irrational” heart says so. Wanting to leave is enough.

See also: “Think whatever you want to about why I’m leaving, goodbye.”

This movie is a) beautifully shot and b) a lifesaving case study of a predator at work on a vulnerable person.

You’ve tried to break it off numerous times, but you remain together because he bullies you and gaslights you into staying.

“We’ve discussed this; he says he feels he treats me well; and I guess that I am now consigning a lot of my worries to pure anxiety, which makes me feel like I can’t trust my emotional reactions and that I should work on my anxiety and ultimately stay. “

The problem in your relationship is that he’s a raging asshole, but he’s convinced you that it’s all in your head. His feelings that he treats you well don’t actually trump your desire to leave, or to protect your health from an untrustworthy sex partner, or your completely reasonable desire to not have to walk around broken glass (!) or stay away from people who use drugs if you know for sure that it makes you uncomfortable. He’s casting his feelings as logical “reasons”, and your very justified anger, dislike, and fear for your health and mistrust of him as illogical “anxiety” as a way to bully you and make you second guess yourself, because that’s the only way someone as awesome and compassionate as you will stay with his sorry ass. It’s a trap, where your sense of fairness and your own desire to be logical is used against you, because if he can talk long enough he can “win” the argument when you get exhausted. Trust: You can have an anxiety disorder AND still have real, genuine anxiety about the continued unsafety and hassle of making a life with this dude. The job of sorting out “real” anxiety vs. brainweasels falls to you and a trained therapist, not your shitty boyfriend.

Your family might be making drugs THE issue in an unfortunate way that plays into his hands – “They are just being judgmental and narrow-minded, etc.” – but they have many, many reasons to root for you to leave this guy so far in your dust that even your dust wants to shake the dust of this relationship from its little dust-bunny feet. Please forgive them for just wanting you clear of this entire thing, and for seizing upon the most obvious reason.

I’m sure this guy has good qualities and that you connected well in some ways; some kind of chemistry or desire would have to be present for you to put up with even a second of the rest. I don’t judge you for wanting really good sex or cool, unique conversations or that feeling of being deeply and intensely loved. I’m sure he sincerely wants to “do better” and believes that with another chance he will be able to do better, but you don’t have to give him infinite chances. If he’s such an amazing, deep, original person, he’ll find someone else after he’s had a chance to work on himself some. And you’ll find out that other dudes will be good in bed and smart and interesting and really dig your fine self. They will not carry this giant swamp of issues along with them. They will clean their apartments, and they will not bully you and make you feel crazy in order to keep you near them. Please believe me! Breakups, even of intense relationships are survivable by everyone. This is not your last, only chance at love or a serious relationship.

You say:

I can’t turn off the part of my brain that says that someone who loves me as much of as they say wouldn’t hurt me in these big and small ways. 

Don’t turn it off! That part of your brain isn’t your illness talking, it’s your sanity. It’s your logic. You asked for my opinion. My opinion is RUN AWAY, RUN AWAY from this tedious motherfucker. Before you step on broken glass or get 9 more STIs or have to spend one more precious minute of your precious life arguing for the validity of your own opinions.

Party Spock, you’re drunk. Go home.

Unfortunately, there is no nice, easy, gentle way to get away from someone like this. You’ve tried normal breaking up like a normal person, and you always end up “logicked” back right where he wants you. So here are the steps for extracting yourself from someone who doesn’t want to let you go:

1. Make a list of people you actually trust to love you and be nice to you. Friends who have no connection with boyfriend. Family. Team You. Get their emails & phone numbers handy. Maybe call one of them to come over and hang out with you while you do the next step or two.
2. Find every item of his that could conceivably be in your house. Put it in a box and mail that shit to him. (Steps 2 and 3 can happen in any order, but should follow each other swiftly).
3. Compose a message in your email program and save it as a draft. “(Boyfriend), I am ending our relationship. I need this to be a clean break, so I must ask you not to contact me again through any medium.” You can add something like “I wish you well” if you’re feeling it, but keep whatever you say short and make sure the request for no contact is explicit.
4. Before you hit “send,” block him on every social media outlet and means of communication you share. After you hit “send,” block him on that email address, too. Congratulations, you are officially broken up now!
5. No matter what he says or does, do not answer. You can’t have a tedious argument where he proves you are wrong to break up if you don’t talk to him or spend any time listening to him. You have plenty of evidence that he will not go quietly and may escalate attempts to contact you. If he comes to your house, don’t let him in, and if he won’t go away, call law enforcement. If he sends you letters or gifts, refuse delivery or put the stuff immediately in the dumpster. It isn’t your job to reassure him, help him “understand” or otherwise process your breakup, or deal with any of his feelings. You are broken up. He is responsible for his own emotional care. If Party Spock needs to cavort around with his broken glass collection feeling sad, let him do it on his own sweet time.
6. Tell your friends & close people what’s going on. Tell them that you’ve tried to break off the relationship before, and that you might need some help now. Ask them for reassurances, compliments, hugs, breakfasts, lots of time together – whatever you need to feel loved and comforted, ask. They’ll give what they can.
7. If you share mutual friends, and you start hearing troubling stuff from them, tell them, bluntly, “I ended my relationship with (Boyfriend) and need to cut off communications for a while so that we can have a truly clean break. Please don’t give him any contact info or news of me or pass on any messages from him.“
8. If you’re not already doing this, seek treatment for your anxiety from a trained counseling pro and not your shithead ex boyfriend who was trying to use it as a chain to tether you to himself.

If you ignore him long enough, he will go away. And if you give it enough time, you will heal from this and move on.

The more anxious you are, the more likely you are to stay and “work through things.” This is not how good people get you to stay.

Worried Letter Writer, your instincts about what you deserve from a partner, about preserving your own safety, about whether being around drugs makes you happy, about whether you hate long bullying conversations where you are forced to justify every emotion, at being grossed out by someone’s living space are all perfectly on point. I’m not saying there is nothing wrong with how your brain works, but you can work on the anxiety disorder issue after you’ve dealt with the A Selfish Asshole Crawled Into My Life And Won’t Crawl Out Again problem. Do whatever you can to honor and thank that little voice that told you that something is not right here.

You’ve got some healing and recovery to do, and you may find books like The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists to be useful reading right now. “Narcissism” as a diagnosable disorder that your boyfriend has? Can’t tell you, wouldn’t wanna. This book as a primer on recognizing and abusive behaviors from people who are able to warp the reality around them and leave you constantly second-guessing yourself? Let’s say that someone who claims to honor rationality above all things but also thinks that the laws of science don’t apply to him, like, personally, is ticking off some ticky boxes for me and you may find some helpful stuff in here.

tl:dr Flee from this shitty dude as if your life depended on it. Your brain may be naturally anxious, but at least some of that is the good kind of anxiety that saved our ancestors from being eaten by bears.